


The Crush

by jstabe



Category: Jossverse
Genre: F/M, Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-11-15
Updated: 2012-01-14
Packaged: 2017-10-29 13:00:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/320153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jstabe/pseuds/jstabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander realizes he has a crush on Spike.  What will he do about it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This begins after ‘Pangs’ and right before ‘Something Blue’. Timeline will stay the same I just stretched things out a little bit. Some dialogue borrowed from ‘Something Blue’.

An accident at the construction site (not the Indian syphilis inducing kind, thank God) had sent Xander home early. As nice as it was to have the afternoon off, Xander found himself curiously reluctant to go home. Which made sense; home being a crappy basement, his _parent’s_ crappy basement. But it wasn’t the basement that was the problem. It was the bleached menace currently occupying the basement with him that was the problem.

Xander sighed. He still wasn’t sure how he’d gotten stuck with Spike as his roomie. When the newly chipped vamp had turned up at Giles’, the Watcher had let him in. A week of Spike chained in the bathtub had nearly driven Giles insane. He and Buffy had decided that Spike couldn’t be left on his own until a) they were sure the chip really worked and b) they found out more about the Initiative. So they’d sent Spike home with Xander. Xander had protested, loudly, but it hadn’t done any good. Giles had patiently pointed out that Xander was the only one with his own place. The girls couldn’t very well take him to live at the dorm. Xander had grudgingly given in. He really hated it when Giles was right.

The first week or two Xander was sure they were going to kill each other. They fought over what to watch on TV, what to listen to on the radio, who’d eaten the last of the chips and not bothered to get more. Everything. Big or small it didn’t seem to matter; they could turn the argument into a full-scale battle. Finally, it all came to a head. Xander had put in a 10-hour day at work and was tired, sore, and cranky. He’d walked in to find the basement a complete disaster area. Spike was sitting on the couch, feet on the coffee table and beer in hand as he channel surfed. Xander had had it. He’d yelled at Spike to take his damn feet off the coffee table and start picking up after himself. Spike had snorted and said that he was a bloody guest and guests did not pick up after themselves. Xander had seen red. He’d marched over to the couch and leaned over Spike, grossly invading the vampire’s personal space. In no uncertain terms, he’d told Spike that he wasn’t a guest; guests were invited, guests were wanted. And if Spike didn’t shape up he could get the hell out. Because Xander didn’t give a damn that Buffy and Giles would be pissed and he definitely didn’t give a damn that the Initiative were probably still searching for Spike. Xander had then stormed into the bathroom to shower. Where he’d immediately felt like an ass. He’d seen the briefest flicker of fear in Spike’s eyes before the vamp had quickly masked it. Knew that Spike knew that Xander could hurt him now and that Spike wouldn’t be able to stop him. And how sad was it that the Big Bad was afraid of the Zeppo? For the first time, Xander had felt a little flicker of sympathy for Spike. Damn it. Being a good guy really sucked sometimes. Xander had taken his shower and come back out fully intending to apologize to Spike. The basement had been spotless and Xander felt like crap all over again. He’d tried to talk to Spike but the blond had merely turned up the volume on the portable CD player he’d nicked from Xander’s closet and refused to even look at Xander for the rest of the night.

Xander had spent the next day feeling like a heel and not knowing what to do about it. After work, he’d gone shopping and went home with CD’s and DVD’s and plenty of snacks to keep in the house. He ignored the fact that they were all Spike’s favorites (doubly ignoring the fact that he actually knew what Spike liked). Spike had taken it as the peace offering it was meant to be and neither one mentioned the fight from the night before. They’d settled down with snacks and movies and actually had a decent evening. Gradually, over they next few weeks they’d managed to find a way to live together without going insane. Xander had even gotten to the point where he kind of liked having the vampire around. He was pretty good company when he wasn’t trying to kill anyone.

Which brought Xander back to his current problem. He and Spike were getting along fine. So why this curious reluctance to be alone with him? Sure, Spike still gave him crap but Xander gave it right back. They kind of enjoyed the verbal sparring. But lately, around Spike, Xander just felt...funny. Oh well. He’d figure it out eventually.

Xander took out his key and let himself into the dark basement. Coming in from the bright sunlight made the basement even darker and it took Xander’s eyes a minute to adjust. As they did, the first thing he noticed was that Spike wasn’t asleep in his usual recliner. He was sprawled on his belly on Xander’s bed. Xander felt a momentary twinge of irritation. Then his eyes adjusted fully to the change in light and Xander could see clearly. That’s when he realized Spike was stark naked. There was a naked vampire in his bed. There was a naked Spike-shaped vampire in his bed. Spike. Naked. Naked Spike.

The two words tumbled over and over in his head. Xander’s mouth went dry at the sight of all that pale flesh. Spike’s skin was smooth and unmarked and Xander wondered for a fleeting moment if it was as soft as it looked. The vampire shifted slightly and Xander watched smooth muscles flex and relax as the vampire settled back down. His eyes wandered the pale form once again, this time lingering on the firm globes of Spike’s ass. It was a very nice ass. How come he’d never noticed that Spike had a nice ass?

Xander’s mouth dropped open in shock. He was ogling Spike’s butt. And enjoying it. He had to get out of here. He reached back, blindly searching for the door handle. He banged his elbow and gave a little yelp. Spike muttered in his sleep and Xander froze. He prayed that Spike wouldn’t wake up. He didn’t. He did something much worse. He rolled over and gave Xander his first look at fully frontal Spike. Xander gulped. And stared. His eyes moved from flat brown nipples to toned abs to the little indentation of Spike’s belly button. There was an enticing line of dark hair that began just under Spike’s navel and led...down. Xander swallowed hard and let his eyes follow that line down to Spike’s groin. Even soft, the vampire’s cock was long and thick, nestled in a patch of dark pubic hair. Xander felt his own cock harden slightly and he wondered just how much bigger Spike would get if he was aroused. That did it. Xander was out of the basement and running down the block. The Bronze. The Bronze would be good. Given enough alcohol, maybe he could drown the images of a naked and aroused Spike that were suddenly flashing in his brain.

* * *

A few hours later Xander was still sitting quietly in a back booth, bottle of beer in his hand. His normal deny-that-anything-weird-has-happened approach wasn’t working. He’d gotten hard looking at a naked man. He’d gotten hard looking at a naked Spike. For some reason it wasn’t the thought of manly parts getting him aroused that was freaking him out. It was the fact that the manly parts belonged to Spike that was freaking him out. And maybe later he’d freak out at the not freaking out about the whole possibly gay thing. He could only freak about one thing at a time.

Ok. Let’s think about this rationally (and wouldn’t Giles be proud). There was a possibility that he found Spike attractive. Big deal. Xander knew when someone was hot; male or female didn’t matter, he could appreciate a good-looking person. It was no different from noticing an attractive person at the beach or the mall or whatever. Spike was hot. Xander had gotten a look. Fine. End of story. Just because Xander found Spike attractive didn’t mean he was attracted to him. Big difference there. Feeling much better, Xander finished his beer and headed home.

* * *

Days later and Xander was back to freaking out. It was impossible for him to stop thinking about Spike. Work didn’t help. Patrolling didn’t help. And living with the vampire definitely didn’t help. They spent too much time together in too close of quarters. Xander found himself watching Spike. Learning more of what he liked and didn’t like. Learning him.

Xander gave himself a mental shake and pulled his head out of thoughts of Spike and back into his research. The gang was having no luck at all finding out anything about the Initiative so they’d met at Giles’ to see if anyone had any new ideas. Giles was making tea while they researched. Spike was once again chained in the bathtub, having pissed Buffy off the minute she’d walked through the door. Willow and Buffy were talking about Riley. Xander was looking through an old text with one ear cocked to the girls’ conversation.

“It's just, different, you know?” Buffy was saying. “A picnic. First of all, daylight — kind of a new venue, Buffywise. And the best part — he said he would bring all the food, so all I have to do was to show up and eat. Those are two things I'm really good at.”

“So he's nice?” Willow asked.

“Very, very.”

“And there's sparkage?”

“Yeah. He's— have you seen his arms? Those are good arms  
to have. I really like him. I do.”

Xander snorted and turned the page he was reading. Buffy thought Riley was hot? Please. Way too many muscles. Riley was just too...big. Now Spike. There was a nice body. Lean and firm...

Xander looked up in horror. He was not comparing Riley’s body to Spike’s. He was so not. Oh god. He so was. This was bad. Bad and wrong and... he stood up abruptly.

“Xander? Something wrong?” Buffy asked.

“Uh, no. Just forgot I had to do something. At work. Really quick. Gotta run. I’ll be home later if you need me. Bye.”

He was out the door before either girl could say anything. Buffy turned to Willow.

“That was weird. Is it me or has he been acting stranger than usual?”

“No, you’re right. Definite weirdness there. Wonder what’s up?”

Before Buffy could answer, Spike hollered from the bathroom.

“Hey, it’s bleedin’ cruel and unusual to starve a prisoner. I’ve got rights you know!”

With a sigh, Buffy headed for the bathroom. She sat on the edge of the tub and looked at Spike. “You’re not a prisoner.”

Spike arched a brow and then rattled his chains. “Treat all your friends like this then? Surprised you got any.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “The sooner you help us find the Initiative the sooner you can leave. So where were we...?”

* * *

Xander got home and flung himself on the couch. He stared at the ceiling for a long time, lost in thought. What the hell was wrong with him? He couldn’t have a...crush on Spike. That would be so stupid as to make all the other stupid things he’d done in his life pale by comparison. Spike.

Who hated him.

Who he hated.

Who was a vampire.

Who was an evil vampire.

Who hated him.

Who hated him.

Xander closed his eyes. This was getting him nowhere. He could not have a crush on Spike. There was no way that anything could happen between them. One more time...Spike hated him. There was no way that someone like Spike would be attracted to someone like him. He would deal. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d crushed on someone who didn’t know he was alive. He’d get over it. Just like he’d gotten over Buffy and Cordelia. He could do it. He would do it. And eventually, some day, he’d manage to like someone who liked him back.

* * *

Back at Giles’, Buffy and Spike were still baiting one another.

“You know what? I don't think you want us to let you go. Maybe we made it a little too comfy in here for ya. ‘

“Comfy? I'm chained in a bathtub drinkin pig's blood from a novelty mug. Doesn't rank huge in the Zagut's Guide. And when I’m not stuck here, I’m stuck in a smelly basement with the whelp. On second thought, send me back to the basement. At least donut boy doesn’t chain me to the fixtures.”

Buffy frowned. “Xander doesn’t keep you tied up?”

“Why should he? Can’t bite him now can I? Impotent, remember.” Spike said bitterly.

Buffy wandered back into the living room, a thoughtful look on her face. Giles and Willow were writing down the ingredients for a truth spell.

“Looks pretty simple. I'll stop by the magic shop tomorrow.”

“Excellent.”

“Alright. I'll be back in the morning with donuts and motherwort. Bye, Buffy! I'll see you at home.”

“Bye.” Buffy said distractedly.

Giles waited until Willow was gone and then turned to Buffy. “What’s wrong?”

“Spike said that Xander doesn’t keep him chained up when they are at home.”

“Really? That surprises me, knowing Xander. However, it’s up to him. It shouldn’t be a problem. Spike can’t bite him.”

Buffy still didn’t look convinced. Could Spike have something to do with the way Xander had been acting lately? She decided to keep a closer eye on Xander.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Borrowed dialogue from ‘Hush’.

Xander took his frustrations out on the drywall he was hanging. It was very satisfying to pound nails into something while angry. Each word was punctuated by the thud of the hammer.

“Stupid. Willow. and. her. stupid. spell. Stupid. Slayer. with. her. stupid. lips. all. over. my. vampire.”

Xander’s eyes widened in shock and he dropped the hammer, narrowly missing his foot. When had he started thinking of Spike as his?

“Why me? What have I ever done that was bad enough to deserve this? Spike is not mine. He’s never going to be mine and that’s that. So get over it. And now I’m talking to myself. Just great. ”

He had to stop this...this obsession with Spike. It was making him cranky and irritable with the girls and they were beginning to notice. He was starting to get the look from Willow and knew he was in for a talk if he didn’t get hold of himself soon. He closed his eyes and rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. It was going to be a very long day.

* * *

After patrol that night, Xander went to the Bronze with the girls before going home. He was still in a mood and his ‘hello’ to Spike was curt. Spike didn’t even bother to answer, apparently in as bad a mood as Xander. That suited Xander just fine. He headed for the shower, glad that he wouldn’t have to make nice with Spike tonight.

Spike watched Xander head for the bathroom. The whelp was in another of his cheery moods. Good. That suited Spike just fine. He’d spent the day feeling sorry for himself. Self-pity was an emotion that Spike didn’t indulge in often. As a result, he was disgusted with himself. He just couldn’t seem to help it. For over a century, he and Dru had done everything together; never spending a day apart. He wasn’t used to being alone and he hated it almost as much as he hated the chip. He was lonely, bored, and frustrated. Spike had never handled inactivity well and the time spent stuck in the basement was slowly driving him insane. If he spent too much more time like this he was going to end up even battier than Dru.

Xander came out of the bathroom and headed for the fridge. He poured himself a glass of juice and brought it back to the sofa bed. He went to the closet and found the rope he’d used to tie up Spike when the vampire had first come to stay with him. Spike’s eyes narrowed.

“And just what are you gonna do with that?”

Xander gave him a ‘duh’ look and proceeded to tie Spike to the chair.

“Don’t see why I have to be tied up. Been living here for weeks now.”

Xander ignored the voice in his head that said he was just being mean to Spike because he, Xander, was in a crap mood. “Hey, you’re the one that had to tell Buffy that I let you wander around free. Now she’s all freaked out and I had to put up with a Giles-lecture. Besides, it’s just while I’m sleeping. “ Xander crawled into bed.

"Like I'd bite you anyway."

"Oh you would."

"Not bloody likely."

"I happen to be very biteable pal. I'm moist and delicious."

"Alright, yeah fine you're a nummy treat."

"And don't you forget it."

Xander stuck his head under the pillow and went to sleep.

When Xander woke the next morning, he felt slightly better. He stretched and turned to see that Spike was already awake. He said good morning and then realized that no sound had come out. He frowned and tried again. He panicked a little when he realized he couldn’t talk. He shook a finger at Spike and mouthed ’you did this to me’. Spike just looked at him then at the ropes that still bound him to the chair. He looked so...calm that it pissed Xander off. Didn’t anything shake that cool reserve? You could beat the vamp up, chip him, tie him to a truly atrocious orange chair and he _still_ looked all calm and unruffled. After the turmoil that Xander had been in the last few weeks, that was the last straw. He stomped over to the chair, fully intending to blast that complacent look off Spike’s face. He saw Spike’s eyes narrow as he got closer. He grabbed the vampire’s upper arms, leaned down...and kissed him. Hard.

He pulled back and Spike just stared at him. He looked shocked, surprised, and stunned and that made Xander feel a whole lot better. He was at loss, though, as to what to do next. Then Spike’s tongue came out and licked lightly at his own bottom lip, as if tasting Xander there. Xander groaned inaudibly and leaned forward to kiss Spike again. This time the kiss was softer, gentler. It was Xander’s turn to pull back and discover the taste of Spike on his lips. Mmm. Spike lips. Lips of Spike. God, Buffy was an idiot if she thought Spike kissage was gross.

Spike watched the emotions flickering across Xander’s expressive face. He was pretty sure the surprise on Xander’s face mirrored his own expression. Just where the hell had Xander-kissing from? He decided he didn’t care; he was lonely and Xander tasted so damn good. He wanted that mouth back on his. When Xander didn’t immediately lean in for more kisses, Spike took matters into his own hands. He flexed his arms and broke the ropes binding him to the chair. It was Xander’s turn for shock but he didn’t have time to worry about how easily Spike had gotten loose because he was hauled onto the vampire’s lap and kissed breathless. Spike’s hands wound themselves in dark hair and held him still so he could ravish Xander’s mouth.

Xander sighed and practically melted into Spike. There weren’t words to describe the way Spike kissed. He didn’t just kiss; he teased, he tasted, he explored, he claimed. Xander found himself thanking God for the one hundred odd years that Spike had had to learn how to kiss like _that_. Very dimly he could hear a ringing and found himself surprised. There was supposed to be fireworks or earth-movage or something like that. Not ringing. Oh wait. That was the phone. Reluctantly, he pulled away from Spike and went to answer it. He picked up the phone and was met with silence. Crap. He supposed he’d better go to Giles’ and see what was up. He ran a hand through his hair. Now that he wasn’t attached to Spike’s lips he could think clearly. God, he was so in for it when Spike could talk again. What the hell had he been thinking? He slunk to the closet and grabbed some clothes. He went to the bathroom to dress, very deliberately not looking at Spike. When he came out, he grabbed his wallet and keys and headed for the door. Just before he went outside, he turned to look at Spike. The vampire hadn’t moved from the chair and was watching Xander, his expression inscrutable. They stared at one another for long minutes and then Xander left, softly closing the door behind him.

* * *

Spike sat quietly for a long time after Xander left, just thinking. Surprise had long since given way to confusion. Why had Xander kissed him? The boy had never, ever, given any indication that he thought about Spike that way. Ok, so Xander had been a little moody lately. But other than that they got along fine. The boy was always bringing home snacks and beer and making sure there was blood in the fridge. They still took verbal shots at one another but the banter was no longer barbed; in fact, they both kind of enjoyed it. Spike’s eyes widened and he smacked himself in the forehead. Oi! Was he blind or just stupid? The boy had been flirting with him! The more he thought about it, the more sure he was. The snacks and such that Xander brought home were always Spike’s favorites. And he always let Spike watch ‘Passions’ these days with only a little amount of coaxing on Spike’s part. Xander Harris had a...crush on William the Bloody. On Spike. On him. It was a sobering realization. He was almost sure he knew why the boy had kissed him. Now the only question was why had Spike kissed him back? He’d never really looked at Xander before except as a do-gooding-pain-in-the-ass. So why was he still sitting here thinking about kisses that hadn’t lasted more than a few minutes? He shook his head. Enough brooding. One ponce in the family was one too many. He was lonely and horny and that was all there was to it. If the lad wanted to take a walk on the gay side then Spike would oblige him. But he was not going to think about Xander’s mouth, or the way he tasted, or the way he felt...damn. Determinedly pushing aside thoughts of Xander, Spike headed to the kitchen and made himself breakfast.

 

* * *

Voices were restored and ’normal life’ resumed. Crap. Now Xander had to go home and face Spike. He was so not looking forward to this. Now that Spike could talk again, Xander was fairly sure he’d have some smart-ass comment to make about the whole kissing thing. Xander had no idea what to say. Telling the truth really didn’t seem like an option because that would give the bleached menace even more ammunition. Well, he was home. No more stalling now. He braced himself and entered the basement.

Spike had been pretty unsuccessful in his whole not think about Xander plan. As a result, he was on edge and hornier than he could remember being in a long time. All in all he was in a very pissy mood. When he heard the door open, he grinned cruelly. A few well placed jabs and the lad would a be whimpering destroyed mess at his feet. He mentally rubbed his hands as he imagined the look on Xander’s face when Spike verbally flayed him. He opened his mouth, took one look at Xander’s face, and immediately closed it. Xander was standing against the door as if he needed the support. He looked miserable, proud, terrified, and defiant all at once. He had that kicked puppy look on his face and Spike felt all his earlier anger drain away. The only emotion left behind was want. He stood and crossed the room. Very slowly and very deliberately he pulled Xander to him and kissed him.

Xander could safely say that that wasn’t on the list of things he’d thought would happen when he got home. He braced himself for angry words or mocking laughter, not more kissing. But he could live with this. Kissing meant no talking and no talking meant Spike couldn’t ask him questions that Xander wasn’t ready to answer. Spike’s tongue swept past his parted lips and Xander decided that thinking was bad. Kissing good. He brought his hands up to tangle in Spike’s hair. They kissed until Xander had to come up for air.

“Xander...”

“Don’t, Spike. Ok. Don’t want to talk.”

Spike managed a smile. “What do you want?”

Xander took a deep breath and answered truthfully. “You.”


	3. Chapter 3

Spike’s eyes darkened at the admission. He kissed Xander again, this time moving in close and letting Xander feel how aroused he was. Spike began to walk backwards toward the sofa, pulling Xander with him. He felt the sudden resistance and smelled fear from Xander. Spike stopped, exasperated.

“Just what the hell are you playing at?”

Xander looked confused. “What are you talking about?”

“A minute ago you were all hot and panting for me and now you’re playing the shy virgin.”

Xander looked embarrassed. “I am...I never...I want to but it’s kind of...fast. Couldn’t we just stick with the kissing for now?”

Spike gave him a derisive look. “I don’t do seduction, mate. You want to shag I’m ready, willing, and more than able. You want to cuddle get yourself a boyfriend.”

Xander blushed crimson and went back to staring at the floor. He should have known that Spike would feel that way. Geez, the only reason Spike was even thinking about sleeping with him was because Xander had pretty much thrown himself at the vampire. So now the question was how much did he want Spike? Was he ready to do this or should he walk away? He took a deep, steadying breath.

“Ok. Whatever you want Spike.”

Xander’s voice was so low that Spike actually had to strain to hear it. When he realized what Xander meant he waited for the sense of triumph he should feel from the boy’s capitulation. Instead he felt like an ass for forcing Xander to agree to something he clearly wasn’t ready for. Spike felt a twinge of self-disgust. He was one sorry excuse for a demon these days.

Xander saw the disgust on Spike’s face and flinched, thinking it was directed at him. “Listen, this was a bad idea. I was stupid to think that you’d want me. Can we just pretend this whole day never happened?”

Xander looked so miserable that Spike couldn’t help but feel bad. It was those kicked-puppy eyes. He felt a surge of protectiveness wash over him. He hadn’t felt like that since Dru and it surprised him. Spike knew he could spend the rest of the day trying to figure out where that emotion had come from and still not understand it. Better to...

“Come here Xander.”

Xander looked startled. Spike had never called him by name before. Without thinking, he moved closer to Spike. He yelped when he was pulled flush against the vampire’s aroused body.

“Can feel how much I want you. Maybe we should stop talking and...”

Xander’s mouth was claimed once again and he decided that Spike was one very smart vampire. He kissed Spike back, enjoying the low moan that accompanied the kissing. Hands settled on his butt and pulled him tighter against Spike’s groin. Xander moaned and pressed his hips tentatively against Spike’s.

Xander’s hesitant movements were driving Spike insane. His demon was screaming at him to fuck the boy- **now**. But something else was telling him to hold back, go slow, because Xander wasn’t really ready for this. He growled low in his throat. That’s it. Enough. Or he really would go nuts. He was going to fuck Xander until the boy couldn’t move-but he’d make damn sure that Xander enjoyed every second of it. Absurdly pleased with himself, Spike pulled back and headed for the sofa. He moved quickly, pulling out the sofa bed and pulling back the covers. With a sexy smirk, he casually strolled back to Xander and hooked a finger into a belt loop. When he began backing towards the bed this time, Xander didn’t hesitate.

Xander felt his belly do a little flip-flop at the smirk. Good God, that vampire was sexy. They stopped next to the bed and Spike sat to remove his shoes and socks. Xander felt his heart stop and then start again when he realized that Spike wasn’t removing anything else. He felt a curious mix of relief/disappointment. He watched Spike scoot over to the middle of the bed and lie on his side. Xander took off his own shoes and socks and then joined Spike on the bed, lying close but not touching. They lay quietly for awhile, just looking at each other. Finally, Spike shifted a little and brought their bodies together.

Spike moved his hips lightly, letting his cock rub against Xander’s. He kissed Xander, letting his tongue slip inside the warm mouth to tangle with Xander’s. Spike slid his hands under Xander’s shirt to caress warm skin. He’d never had a human lover before and the heat was amazing. He knew most vampires didn’t feel the cold but he did. Always had. Xander’s warmth was intoxicating. He let his fingers slide up and find Xander’s nipples. He pinched them lightly and was rewarded with a low moan.

Xander wanted to make Spike feel the way he was feeling. He tugged the vampire’s T-shirt from his jeans and slid his hands underneath. He let his fingers roam lightly over Spike’s skin. He was kind of surprised to find that Spike’s skin wasn’t cold; somehow he’d expected it to be. It was cooler than his own but since Xander always felt like a human furnace he liked the contrast. He felt Spike pinch his nipples again and felt little tingles run straight to his groin. He wondered if Spike liked that too. Slowly, he let his fingers circle a taut nipple and then squeezed gently. Spike gave a little gasp/moan that made Xander smile. He let his hands wander some more, smiling when Spike mirrored the movements.

Spike moved back slightly and removed his shirt then helped Xander remove his. Spike bent his head and let his tongue run over one of Xander’s nipples. Xander arched up into the caress so Spike did it again. He treated each nipple to several licks and nibbles before deciding that he wanted to explore the rest of his soon-to-be-lover. He nibbled his way down Xander’s body to the waistband of his jeans. He felt Xander tense and murmured little nonsense words until Xander was calmer. He ran his hands lightly over Xander’s denim clad thighs, enjoying the feel of the taut muscles flexing under his hands.

“Want to touch you. Will you let me?”

Xander remembered his illicit peek at naked Spike and gulped. Spike’s body was...perfect. He so didn’t look like that. He suddenly felt very self-conscious.

“Um, yeah, o...ok. Just could we maybe...turn off some of the lights?”

Spike was a little confused but then he got it. Xander was shy. No problem. They could turn out the lights. And Spike would just forget to remind Xander about vampires and night vision. He left the sofa and turned off all the lights in the basement. He flicked on the one in the bathroom but pulled the door almost all the way closed. Spike got back into bed.

“Better?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

Xander couldn’t believe how nice Spike was being. He’d expected laughter or Spike calling him a girly girl. Something. He wondered if Spike was up to something but then Spike’s hands began caressing Xander’s thighs again and Xander decided he had more important things to think about. Especially when Spike popped the snap on his jeans and began lowering his zipper. He felt a hand slip inside the fly of his jeans and run softly over his cock. Xander twisted his hands in the sheets. No one had touched him like this in so long. He bit his lip and fought not to come.

Spike watched as Xander tried to keep himself under control. The boy looked so damn sexy writhing under Spike’s hand. He slid Xander’s jeans off, leaving him in a pair of Bart Simpson boxer shorts. Spike grinned a little. God knew he wasn’t attracted to the boy because of his fashion sense. He ghosted his hand over the fly of Xander’s underwear and smiled at Xander’s hiss of pleasure. He wanted to spend days just playing with Xander’s body but he knew neither one of them would last that long.

“Xander we’re gonna need some slick if we’re gonna do this.”

Xander turned bright red. “I, um, have some. Of that. In the bathroom. For when...”

He trailed off, mortified. Spike just grinned and headed for the bathroom. He didn’t want to give Xander time to change his mind; using speed usually reserved for keeping him alive, Spike was back from the bathroom almost before Xander knew he was gone. He resumed his earlier position and began rubbing sensuous circles on Xander’s inner thighs. He inched his way higher until he could slide a hand through the leg of Xander’s underwear.

Xander hitched in a breath at the first contact of cool hand on overheated flesh. He arched his hips, moaning softly as Spike’s hand wrapped around his cock and began to stroke him gently.

Spike kept up the teasing touches on Xander’s cock, his eyes never leaving Xander’s face. He eased his hand from Xander’s underwear then slid the boxers off and tossed them aside. Gorgeous. Construction work obviously agreed with him. He took in the erotic sight of Xander on his back, thighs spread wantonly, cock hard and lying nearly flat on his belly. He’d done that. Made Xander want like that. He bit back a hoarse groan. He quickly stripped off his own jeans and grabbed the lube. He flicked open the cap and squeezed some onto his fingers. He slid his fingers down to caress lightly along the crease of Xander’s butt and felt Xander tense immediately.

“Shh, pet. Relax. I won‘t hurt you.”

Spike began stroking Xander’s shaft again. When he saw Xander’s eyes close and felt his hips arching into the stroking, he very carefully eased his index finger past the tight ring of muscle and into Xander’s body.

Xander fought the urge to tense up again. He wasn’t sure how he felt about Spike’s finger in his ass. Weird really didn’t cover it. It felt ok but he still wasn’t sure just exactly why guys wanted to do this. The hand on his cock, however, felt extremely good so he decided to concentrate harder on that.

Spike kept up the steady stroking of Xander’s cock while he eased his finger gently in and out of Xander’s body. He carefully added a second finger and began to scissor them, stretching and preparing the tight channel for his cock. He deliberately avoided Xander’s prostate for now. He didn’t want to force Xander over the edge; he was hoping that keeping him aroused would help keep him from panicking too much for Spike to enter him. He didn’t want to hurt Xander and he definitely didn’t want the chip going off.

Xander was panting lightly and his fists clenched and unclenched in the sheets. He was pretty sure Spike had more than one finger inside him now but it was starting to feel really good. He moaned in disappointment when Spike’s fingers left him. Only to feel something much bigger press against his stretched hole. He remembered his one good look at Spike’s cock and froze. There was no way that was going to fit inside him.

“’S ok, Xander. Relax or we won’t be able to do this.” Spike inched slowly forward, sliding into Xander as gently as he could.

‘Relax.’ Xander rolled his eyes. Easy for Spike to say. He wasn’t the one having his insides rearranged. Oddly though it was kinda like the fingers; the deeper Spike got the better it felt. Xander was trembling slightly and a light sheen of sweat covered his body. He felt one of Spike’s hands slide under his thigh and bring Xander’s leg up to wrap around Spike’s hip. The position lifted Xander’s hips up a little and Spike slid in another inch. Xander’s breath caught in his throat. God that felt really good. He brought his other leg up to wrap around Spike. Xander bucked his hips and cried out when the movement helped sheath Spike’s cock completely inside him.

Spike was shaking and trying very hard not to come. The incredible heat and tightness of Xander’s body were blowing his mind. So was the look on his face; surprise, pleasure, and just a hint of pain. He took a much-needed breath and pulled slowly out of Xander, managing a small smile when Xander whimpered in protest and grabbed Spike’s hips to stop him from leaving.

“Gonna like this next part. I promise.”

Xander’s eyes closed and he moaned softly when Spike sank back inside him. Spike started a slow easy rhythm that made Xander’s breath hitch. He opened his eyes to see Spike looking at him. The evil smirk on Spike’s face should have told him something was up but he was too far gone to process it.

Spike pulled back until he was barely inside Xander and then shifted his hips slightly. When he thrust back in this time, the head of his cock slid over Xander’s prostate.

“Oh fuck. Spike!”

“Did you like that, pet?”

Xander’s answer was a garbled moan. “Can you do that again? Please, Spike.”

And Spike did. Over and over until Xander was a writhing mass of sensation on the bed. His breath was coming in sexy little pants that made Spike shiver. He snaked a hand between their bodies and began to stroke Xander’s aching erection. Xander gave a last strangled moan and erupted over Spike’s hand. The sight of Xander’s face twisted in pleasure and the smell of sex sent Spike over the edge. He gave a last hard thrust and buried himself deep inside Xander. He came moaning Xander’s name, body shaking with the force of his orgasm.

Eventually, when Spike could feel all his limbs again, he eased himself from Xander’s body and headed for the bathroom. He cleaned himself up, wet a washcloth, and headed back to the bed. He gently wiped every trace of lube and spent come from Xander and tossed the washcloth onto the pile of clothes by the bed. He paused briefly, wondering if he should lie down with Xander or if he should go back to his chair. He quietly slid down to lie behind Xander and pulled the blankets over them. He tensed, waiting to see if Xander would kick him out. He didn’t; he sighed softly and pressed back against Spike. Spike draped an arm securely around Xander’s waist and let his lover’s slow steady heartbeat lull him to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys.

_Tell me why  
Ain't nothin' but a heartache  
Tell me why   
Ain't nothin' but a mistake   
Tell me why   
I never wanna hear you say   
I want it that way_

The alarm went off promptly at 8:00, blaring out a pop tune. Spike groaned and buried his head under the pillow.

“I’m in hell.”

Xander snickered and rolled over to turn off the radio. “Nope. This morning’s wake up call is brought to you by KIIS fm, light rock 102.7.”

It was a familiar routine, one that had happened pretty much every morning since Spike had moved into the basement. Of course, the vampire usually complained from his chair in the corner not the other side of Xander’s bed. Xander rolled over to face Spike and found blue eyes watching him intently. They stared at one another; neither one really sure what to say and neither one really sure how this morning-after thing was going to go. Xander took in the mussed hair and sleepy blue eyes. He grinned. Spike was really cute first thing in the morning.

“Morning Spike.”

Spike grimaced. “What’s so good about it?”

Xander tried not to laugh. Spike was definitely not a morning vamp. He was grumpy and disheveled and so very sexy. Xander couldn’t help himself. He leaned over and kissed Spike; a sweet almost chaste kiss.

Spike pulled Xander closer and deepened the kiss. Waking up at the butt crack of dawn wasn’t so bad if he had Xander-kisses. He felt the solid length of Xander’s erection pressing against him. He undulated his hips slowly, letting hard cocks rub together. He felt more than heard Xander’s low groan of pleasure. They moved together slowly, tongues mating in the same slow rhythm Spike set with his hips. Suddenly, Xander pulled back. Spike tensed and waited for rejection.

“Spike we can’t.”

And there it was. Spike began to speak but Xander interrupted him.

“I have to get ready for work.”

“‘S that all? I can be quick when I need to be.” He gave Xander a sexy smirk and rocked his hips again.

“Hmm. Don’t stop. No! Wait. Yes stop. Must go to work. Must make the money to pay for posh living space. Besides, I don’t think I can.” He saw Spike’s questioning look. “A little sore this morning. You know, not really used to the man sex thing.”

Spike gave him that smirk again and any blood left in Xander’s brain promptly went south. “Ah. No worries, pet. Got other ways to get you off. I’m flexible.”

“I just bet you are.”

Spike pulled Xander close again and kissed him. He rested a hand on the small of Xander’s back, holding him still as he began moving his hips again. Xander groaned and gave up the fight. He began to thrust against Spike, their hips moving slowly at first then faster and faster until they came together in a white-hot explosion.

* * *

When Xander could move again, he rolled over and looked at the clock. He groaned and flew out of bed. He took the fastest shower in recorded history then got dressed. He managed to find his keys and was searching for his wallet when he realized Spike was watching him, amused smile on his face.

“Oh ha ha. Let’s laugh at the funny human who is going to be late for work.”

“Not laughing at you. Or not really. It’s the clothes. I always knew you had crap taste but that...”

“Shut up Spike. It’s a uniform. I have to wear this.”

“Thought you were working construction?”

“I am. But they only need me part time. So I deliver pizzas and are we actually having a conversation here?”

Spike rolled his eyes. “We have conversations.”

“No we have snark. You say something mean, I say something mean back, and then it’s your turn again.”

Xander finally found his wallet and headed for the door. He hesitated with one hand on the doorknob.

“So, um, I guess I’ll see you later.”

Spike was already burrowing back under the covers. “Shove off. Going to sleep now.”

Xander chuckled and left for work. If he hurried, he wouldn’t be too late.

* * *

Xander spent most of the day reliving the night before. He’d had sex with Spike. He grinned. He’d had really great sex with Spike. His goofy grin got bigger. He supposed he should do that freaking out thing he’d been putting off but he really didn’t want to. He wanted Spike and Spike obviously didn’t mind sleeping with him or he wouldn’t have done anything this morning. So what was the big deal? Ok, so maybe he liked Spike in a more than friends way. It wasn’t like he was in love with Spike or anything like that. Xander knew exactly what he was getting into here so it wasn’t like he could get hurt. Right? Right. Xander firmly pushed any nagging worries to the back of his mind. He watched the clock and wished it would move faster. Quitting time seemed days away.

* * *

Spike woke late in the afternoon, starving and incredibly horny. He ate then showered, trying to distract himself from thoughts of the night before. He put the bed away, hoping to kill time. Bloody brilliant, wasn’t he? He’d managed to kill about, oh ten seconds. He frowned. Why was he still thinking about last night? It wasn’t like he’d never had great sex before. It was his damn vampire senses. Even with the bed put away, the basement smelled of Xander and sex. It smelled of _them_. He closed his eyes and breathed deep. He opened his eyes again and began prowling the basement. He was horny, bored, and confused. He watched the clock and wondered what time Xander would get home.


	5. Chapter 5

Xander left work with a huge sigh of relief. He headed home and for the first time in years he didn’t check with Giles to see if anything demony was going on. Xander only had one demon on his mind and he’d been there all day. Xander hurried down the sidewalk, impatient to get to the basement.

Spike turned toward the door when he heard the familiar footsteps coming down the walk. He was hit with an overwhelming rush of pheromones that made his cock harden painfully in his jeans. Looked like he wasn’t the only one with sex on the brain. He reached the door just as Xander came inside.

Xander didn’t even have time for a greeting before he was pushed up against the door. His mouth was captured in a bruising kiss and all he could do was moan helplessly when Spike pulled their bodies tightly together. He let his hands drop to Spike’s waist, fingers digging into Spike’s hips.

Spike moaned low in his throat and bucked harder against Xander. He wanted to bury himself inside Xander but knew it wasn’t possible. There was no way Xander’s still virginal body could handle the pounding Spike was in the mood for. He gave a frustrated groan then slid a hand between their heaving bodies and undid first Xander’s fly and then his own. He took Xander’s hard cock in his hand and began stroking him quickly. He tore his mouth from Xander’s and placed his lips at the boy’s ear.

“Touch me.”

Spike’s passion filled growl sent shivers through Xander’s whole body. He reached down and grasped Spike’s cock, stroking slowly at first then faster as his own arousal hit its peak. Moments later they came, one after the other, low moans filling the basement silence.

Spike lifted his head from Xander’s shoulder. He nibbled gently at the warm skin of Xander’s throat before moving on to nip lightly at Xander’s lips. They kissed softly for long minutes before Xander pulled reluctantly away. He gave a disgusted look in the direction of his sticky pants.

“Spike, I really want to do more of this whole kissing thing and whatever but well I think I need to shower.”

Spike chuckled. “Yeah, was going to tell you that you stink but I had other things on my mind.”

“Gee, thanks. And it’s not really my fault. I was attacked by a horny vampire and come on before I could get to the shower.” He paused. “Hey wait a minute. What do you mean you had other things on your mind? Are saying that I smelled before you made a mess on me?”

Spike laughed and nuzzled into Xander’s shoulder again. The whelp was cute when he was indignant-not that Spike would ever say anything that lame. “Like it when you smell like me. Not so happy with the pepperoni-green pepper-onion mix you’ve decided on as cologne.”

“Jerk. I thought you liked pizza?”

“I do. But come on, Xan. Vampire senses. Give a bloke a break.”

Xander hadn’t thought of that before. Why should he? He wondered how many other times he’d offended the vampire’s sensitive nose and decided not to ask. Spike and tact weren’t exactly acquaintances.

“Guess I’ll go shower then.”

Spike watched Xander make his way to the bathroom. Moments later the shower came on and Spike smiled. Xander sang the weirdest songs when he showered. He went to the kitchen and heated some blood. He was starving again and if things went the way he planned he’d need the extra food. The little door grope had done wonders to take the edge off but he still wanted Xander. He drank quickly then rinsed his mouth with cool water. Wouldn’t do to gross the boy out with blood breath.

Xander finished his shower and wrapped a large towel around his waist. He looked around for clean clothes and groaned. He hadn’t grabbed any. Crap. So he’d have to go out and get some. In just a towel. No big deal, right? After all, he’d had sex with Spike. He could walk around half-naked in front of him. He did his best to clamp a lid on his shyness and opened the bathroom door. With a nonchalance that didn’t feel the least bit forced (ha ha), he went to his closet and began rummaging for clothes.

Spike took a minute to enjoy the sight of Xander’s towel-clad butt before he spoke. “You won’t need those.”

Xander turned around, jeans held protectively in front of him. He saw Spike leaning against the counter, that oh-so-sexy smirk on his face. Spike had removed his T-shirt and was standing there in nothing but a pair of unbuttoned jeans. Xander dropped the clothes and took a step toward Spike. Spike met him halfway and they were kissing again, hands roaming and bodies hardening. Spike pulled back and led Xander to the couch. He pushed Xander down onto the cushions and knelt in front of him. Spike leaned up to trail kisses along the nape of Xander’s neck before moving lower, latching onto a dark nipple and sucking hard. He moved on to the other nipple, delighting in the little gasp Xander made. He licked lower, tracing each rib with his tongue before lapping at Xander’s belly button. He inched lower and felt Xander freeze.

Xander closed his eyes. Any minute now his towel would be history and he’d be naked in front of Spike. And it wasn’t like he could ask to have the lights off this time. It was still daylight. He stiffened and waited for the worst.

“Xander? What’s wrong? Don’t you want me to?” Spike would curse himself later for acting like a poof but right now he really wanted Xander horny and panting-not scared and stiff. Or at least not scared stiff.

“Hello, guy here. Of course I want you to. I ust...don’twantyoutoseemenaked.”

It took Spike a minute to sort out the last bit and when he did he frowned. “Why not?”

Spike sounded so genuinely puzzled that Xander felt the need to try and explain. Not that Spike would ever get it; Spike didn’t have a shy bone in his entire body. “I don’t want you to see me naked because, well because. I don’t look like you.”

If anything, Spike just looked more puzzled. “Why would you want to?”

“Because you’re built. Perfect. I so don’t look like that.”

Spike grinned. “Like my body, do you?”

Xander laughed. Trust Spike to focus on the important things. “Yeah. I’m not really in the habit of throwing myself at people I’m not attracted to.”

Spike was beginning to see where this was going. He knew Xander had self-esteem issues. He should have known they’d extend to his body as well as everything else the human worried about. He also knew that nothing he could say at this point would be believed. Better to just show Xander that he enjoyed Xander’s body as much as Xander enjoyed his. He slid his hands under Xander’s towel, stroking gently.

Xander sighed and let his head fall back against the couch. Might as well just enjoy where this was going. He took a deep breath and tried to relax. Hmm. Spike had the most amazing hands. He moaned and gave himself over to the sensations Spike was creating.

Spike watched as Xander’s eyes closed. He kept up the gentle stroking with one hand while the other found the lube he’d stashed under a cushion earlier. He quickly slicked his fingers and brought his hand up to tease at Xander’s entrance. Xander stiffened slightly but then quickly relaxed. Spike eased a careful finger inside the tight passage and began to massage Xander gently. When he felt Xander’s body relax a little, he added a second finger and began to stroke Xander more forcefully. When he couldn’t wait anymore, he stood and quickly stripped off his jeans.

Xander gave a little moan of protest when Spike’s hands left his body. He opened his eyes to see Spike quickly slicking his cock.

“Oh yes.”

Spike’s eyes flashed at the need in Xander’s tone. He knelt on the floor and pulled Xander off the couch. He turned Xander around so he was kneeling on the floor with his arms braced on the couch. He pulled off Xander’s towel and tossed it aside. He didn’t give Xander a chance to tense again; he moved behind him and began sliding his cock suggestively over the crack of Xander’s butt.

“Please, Spike. Want you in me.”

Spike pressed forward, giving a satisfied moan as his cock slid past the tight ring of muscle and deep inside Xander’s ass. He wanted to savor the sensation of being in Xander but couldn’t wait. It felt too damn good. He pulled out then slowly pushed back in, drawing a low groan from Xander. Soon Spike was thrusting deep and hard.

Xander cried out when Spike’s cock found that spot inside him that sent shivers through him. He pushed back at Spike and gave a startled little cry when the movement sent Spike even deeper. He tried it again. Oh he really loved this position. He could move with Spike, taking Spike’s cock deeper and deeper inside him. It took him a few tries but soon he was moving in rhythm with Spike.

“Oh Christ, Xander. Not gonna last.”

“Don’t want you to. I want to feel you come inside me.”

Spike knew he was lost. He pounded into Xander, deeper and harder than before. He came, shouting Xander’s name, fingers tightening almost painfully on Xander’s hips.

Xander leaned on the couch, Spike’s body draped over him. He couldn’t have said why he liked the feeling so much. Then one of Spike’s hands was sliding around his aching cock and he could feel Spike hardening inside him again. Vampire stamina was so of the good.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some dialogue taken from BTVS episode ‘Doomed’

The ringing of the telephone startled Xander out of his doze. He glared at it, entirely too comfortable to move. He was lying on his belly on the couch with Spike draped over him. They hadn’t bothered to pull out the bed so it was a tight fit. Xander didn’t mind; he could get used to being squished by Spike. The telephone wouldn’t stop ringing, though, so with a huff of annoyance Xander went to answer it.

Spike was angry about the loss of his warm bed until he realized that Xander had been in such a hurry to answer the phone that he hadn’t dressed. He propped himself on an elbow to admire the view; broad shoulders, narrow waist, nice butt that Spike had enjoyed thoroughly. Now if Xander would just turn around...perfect. In spite of their afternoon activities, Spike felt himself hardening. He caught Xander’s eye and grinned.

Xander saw Spike’s grin and looked down, finally realizing he was nude. He turned ten shades of red and quickly retrieved his boxers. He put them on, giving Spike a dirty look as he did.

Spike just laughed. He’d known Xander had a nice body; had felt it under him all day. Now he’d finally gotten a good look. He began to lazily fondle himself while running pictures of naked Xander in his head. He groaned softly.

Xander’s eyes widened in shock and he almost dropped the phone. Spike looked...really hot doing that. His eyes were locked on Xander as his hand moved languidly on his erect flesh. Xander took a step towards the couch but Willow’s voice in his ear finally caught his attention.

“Huh? No, no. I’m still here. Still listening. Yeah, uh huh. Sure. Ok. Got it. Bye.”

Xander hung up and stepped towards the couch again but stopped. With a regretful sigh, he began to dress.

“I’ve got to go. Something bad happened at the frat party tonight.”

Spike grinned. Xander wasn’t going anywhere; they had unfinished business to take care of. He crossed the room and pulled Xander to him. He pressed himself tightly to Xander’s back and brought his hand around to undo the jeans Xander had just zipped.

“Got more important things to worry about than a Scooby meeting.”

Xander moaned as Spike licked lightly along his ear. He leaned back against Spike, letting knowledgeable fingers skim along his erection.

“Spike, I really have to go.” He made a half-hearted attempt to move away from Spike.

Spike put his hands on Xander’s hips and rocked his hips slowly against Xander’s denim-clad butt. He nibbled at Xander’s neck before licking his way up to tease Xander’s ear lobe.

Xander relaxed against Spike momentarily then quickly pulled away. He put some distance between them and refastened his jeans. “Spike, I can’t. I really have to go. Why don’t you come with me? You could help with the research or something.”

Spike’s eyes narrowed dangerously. He might not be able to fight or feed and he might be shagging one of the Slayer’s sidekicks but he was **not** the Slayer’s newest errand boy.

“Don’t see why you’re going anyway. ‘S not like you can do anything to help.”

Hurt flared in Xander’s eyes before he could mask it. Squaring his shoulders, he glared at Spike. “Hey, I help fight the forces of evil all the time.”

Spike laughed. “Buffy fights the forces of evil. You’re just one of her groupies.”

“Go to hell, Spike.” Xander angrily grabbed his keys and stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

Spike looked around the dingy basement. “Already there, mate. Already there.”

* * *

Xander had lost his anger by the time he’d walked to Giles’. Unfortunately that just left the hurt. He wasn’t a complete idiot; he hadn’t expected Spike to develop the warm fuzzies for him just because they’d had sex but over the weeks they’d been roomies he’d thought they were becoming friends. It bothered him that Spike obviously thought he was useless. He sat on Giles’ couch, lost in miserable thoughts.

“Xander, are you ok?” Willow asked.

“I’m fine.” He smiled but it felt forced.

Willow obviously thought so too because she frowned at him. Xander looked upset and it bothered her that he wouldn’t talk to her.

“It’s probably Spike’s fault.” Buffy said. “Being stuck in the basement with him can’t be fun. Want me to stake him for you?”

For some reason, Buffy’s instant condemnation of Spike bothered Xander. He glared at her but she didn’t notice. “No, Buffy, it’s not Spike. Just a long day at work.”

Buffy just shrugged and they went back to researching. Finally they figured out the newest Sunnydale menace and headed for the ruins of the high school. Something was going to try and re-open the Hellmouth.

* * *

Spike paced the basement and glanced at the clock; Xander had been gone for hours. Each hour that had passed had made Spike more agitated. The minute the door had slammed behind Xander, Spike’s anger had evaporated. He’d been a jerk and he knew it. Xander hadn’t been rejecting him; the rational part of him realized that. The other part, the part that still remembered all the times Drusilla had chosen to be with Angelus instead of him, only saw that he was being tossed aside again. He’d been hurt so he’d hurt back. Stupid and pointless. He was waiting for Xander to come back so he could...not apologize because he was still evil. He could explain, maybe. If Xander would just come home. But he hadn’t so the pacing had started along with the clock watching. Finally, Spike couldn’t take it anymore.

“Can’t hurt to go see what’s what. Stupid git will probably get himself killed if I’m not there.” Feeling a little better, Spike grabbed his duster and headed for the Watchers’.

* * *

Spike had arrived at Giles’ only to be redirected to the high school. When he got there, Xander and Willow were playing keep-away with a very ugly Vahral demon. Willow looked up and saw him.

“Spike, catch!” She tossed a bag to him.

“Right, perfect.” He caught the bag and moved back as the Vahral advanced on him. The Vahral began beating on Spike when he wouldn’t give up the bag.

Xander watched Spike, half wanting to help him and half cheering that Spike was getting his ass kicked. Just then, one of the Vahral demons jumped into the Hellmouth. There was a huge tremor from deep inside the earth.

“Hey, the demons are the sacrifice!”

“Nice going, Xander. We need to get them away from the Hellmouth.” Buffy yelled.

Meanwhile, Spike had had enough. He hauled back and hit the Vahral demon then waited for the pain. When it didn’t come, he looked confused for a second. He turned to find Willow next to him. He reached out and gave her a pinch. Echoing ‘ow’s proved that the chip was working fine. Spike hit the demon again and grinned maniacally when the chip stayed silent.

“No pain! I can hurt a demon!” He vamped out and proceeded to beat the Vahral demon senseless. “That’s right. I’m back. And I’m a BLOODY ANIMAL! Yeah!”

Spike picked up the Vahral demon and lifted it over his head. He didn’t hear Xander and Willow yelling at him to stop and he threw the demon into the Hellmouth. Another huge tremor shook Sunnydale.

“What? I was helping!”

Buffy yelled “Get out of here! The building is going to come down!”

Another tremor and this time a beam fell, hitting Spike on the back of the head. He hit the ground and didn’t move. Without thinking, Xander ran and pulled him up. He and Willow made their way out of the high school, supporting the dazed vampire between them.

* * *

Much later, the crisis had been averted and everyone headed home. The walk to Xander’s house was made in silence. Spike was buzzing with the knowledge that he could fight demons. He was practically vibrating with pent-up energy. They reached the Harris house and Xander finally spoke.

“You should go.”

Spike’s stomach clenched. “Kicking me out?”

“No but you’re bouncing around like a puppy on speed. You should go burn off some of that energy.” He sighed. “Besides, I’m still mad at you and I don’t want to talk to you yet.”

“Xander...”

“I mean it, Spike. We should talk. We **will** talk but not right now.”

“Alright, Xander. If that’s what you want.”

Xander went inside without saying another word. Spike stood on the sidewalk for a long time, staring at the lit basement window before heading off into the night.

* * *

Spike returned a little before dawn, tired but happier than he’d been in a long time. The basement was dark so Spike quietly removed his boots and was just hanging up his duster when Xander spoke.

“Find a good fight?”

“Yeah. Vamp nest on the edge of town.”

“I’m still mad at you.”

“I know.”

“I thought we were friends, Spike, or getting close anyway. Even before the kissing and the other stuff. Why did you sleep with me when you don’t even like me?”

Hurt and confusion laced Xander’s words and Spike wanted to kick himself.

“I like you fine, Xander. It’s me I don’t like.”

“Huh?”

Spike sat on the edge of the bed. When Xander didn’t tell him to get lost, he relaxed a little and began to talk.

“Being trapped inside during the day doesn’t bother me much. I’m used to it. But the nights? Nights are the worst. I should be out wreaking havoc and causing mayhem and I can’t. I’m stuck inside day and night and it’s driving me crazy. “

Xander hadn’t thought of that before. It must be awful to be stuck in the basement all the time with nothing to do but think. He felt himself softening just a little. Spike continued.

“Being here with you this afternoon was...but then you were leaving and the night suddenly seemed very long. I was angry and frustrated and I took it out on you.”

Spike couldn’t believe he was actually talking like this with Xander. He’d kill something later, slowly and painfully, but right now he just wanted Xander to stop looking at him liked he’d killed the boy’s favorite puppy.

“You’re a jerk.”

Spike heard the smile in Xander’s tone and he allowed himself a small smile in return. “Yeah, I know. I’m a bastard. Could make it up to you.”

“Doubt it.”

Spike crawled up the bed until he was lying alongside Xander. “Are we done fighting now?”

“Maybe. Why?”

“Cuz if we’re done fighting we get to have make-up sex.”

Spike leaned over and very gently touched his mouth to Xander’s. When Xander responded, Spike pulled them closer together and deepened the kiss. He pulled back to rain kisses over Xander’s face.

“Xander, let me make it up to you.”

Xander heard the regret in Spike’s tone and knew the vampire was sorry, even if he couldn’t say it.

Spike rained more kisses over Xander’s face and down his throat. He left the bed just long enough to strip then he was back. He used his hands and mouth and body to tell Xander the things he didn’t know how to say with words. When it was over they lay together, Xander’s head on Spike’s chest, Spike’s hands idly stroking over Xander’s back.

“Spike?’

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry we fought. I forgive you.”

Spike tightened his hold on Xander and kissed the dark head pillowed on his chest. He listened as Xander’s breathing deepened as the human slid into sleep.

“Won’t happen again, I swear it. Not going to hurt you again.”

He lay awake for a long time just watching Xander sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Xander left the mall, laden with shopping bags but not minding in the least. He caught a bus home and settled into his seat. For the first time ever, Alexander Harris was content and loving his life. It had been three weeks since the fight with Spike and Xander could honestly say that those weeks had been fantastic. Neither he nor Spike spoke of the fight, but they both did their best not to repeat it. Xander didn’t ask Spike to go to Scooby meetings, but the vampire hadn’t missed a single one since the night Vahral demons had tried to reopen the Hellmouth. For his part, now that Xander knew how much Spike hated being cooped up alone, he spent as much time at home as he could. Ordinarily after work, Xander would go to Giles’ or the Bronze and just hang out-anywhere was preferable to the basement. But now that Spike was there, the basement seemed the perfect place to be. They spent hours tucked away, just the two of them, watching movies and talking. And having sex. Xander grinned. Sex seemed to be Spike’s cure for boredom and Xander didn’t mind in the least. He was starting to lose some of his shyness, but the vampire could still make him blush. In bed or out, Xander just liked spending time with Spike. The only problem for Xander was that he was slowly getting glimpses of another Spike, one that no else got to see. And it was getting harder and harder for Xander to keep his emotions in check.

With a start, Xander realized that were at his stop. He got off the bus and walked the last two blocks home. No brooding. Things were good the way they were and he wasn’t going to mess it up. He let himself into the basement and found Spike at the counter. He’d obviously just come from the shower-his blond hair was still wet, his curls forced into submission by the gel Spike favored. The microwave dinged and Spike retrieved his breakfast. He looked up when Xander closed the door.

“Hey, Spike. Have a good day?”

Spike shrugged. “Haven’t been up long enough to have a bad one. You’re in a cheery mood.”

“Yep. Do you remember me telling you that I was getting more hours with the construction crew? Well, we finished the new strip mall ahead of schedule and yours truly has something really nice in his pocket. Not that. Pervert. I got a bonus. I thought maybe we could celebrate. I was thinking beers at the Bronze and some pool. Then maybe we could bring home pizza and movies and just hang out here.”

Spike was a little startled. Sure, they hung out the Bronze all the time and they did the movie thing too. But that was always after patrol. Kind of like an after thought-oh hey we’re done killing things so let’s get something to drink. This seemed too much like a.... Spike wasn’t even going to think the ‘D’ word.

“Spike? Is everything ok?”

Spike realized that Xander was looking at him worriedly. He managed a smile. “Course. Still half asleep is all.”

“So, do you want to go out?”

“Sure, Xan. Sounds good.”

Xander grinned happily and Spike was glad he’d given in.

“Ok. I’m going to shower and then we can go.”

Xander showered quickly and brushed his teeth and hair. He reached for one of the bags he’d brought into the bathroom and pulled out a new shirt. Nervously, he dressed and went back out to the living room.

“We going then or did you want...”

Spike finally looked up at Xander and his command of the English language promptly left him. All he could do was stare. Xander fidgeted nervously then finally looked at the floor.

“I look ridiculous, don’t I?”

Ridiculous was not the word Spike was looking for. Xander had obviously gone shopping for new clothes with his bonus money. The new jeans weren’t as tight as Spike would have liked, but they fit better than what Xander normally wore. The jeans clung to firm thighs and the buttons on the fly made Spike’s fingers itch to pop them one by one. He couldn’t wait to get a look at Xander’s denim-encased butt; Xander’s pants were usually so loose you couldn’t even tell if the boy _had_ a butt. The T-shirt was new as well. Again, not as tight as Spike would have liked, but it was all one color-a deep red that looked good with Xander’s dark hair and tan.

“You look absolutely edible. Want to stay here and peel those clothes off you one by one.”

Xander’s head whipped up and the heat in Spike’s gaze convinced him that Spike was telling the truth. He gave Spike his best seductive smile.

“Later. I want to go out first. Build the anticipation.”

“Tease.”

“It’s only teasing if I don’t give you what I say I will. I promise to give you exactly what you want. Later.” He headed for the door.

Spike groaned. Xander was definitely getting more self-confident. Right now, Spike wasn’t sure that was a good thing.

Xander paused at the door. “There’s one I thing I forgot when I went shopping. New boxers. So I decided to just not wear any.” And with that, he was out the door.

Spike gulped and suddenly his own jeans felt at least two sizes too small. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

They arrived at the Bronze and found it quiet. Being a weeknight with no band scheduled meant the bar was likely to stay that way. Neither one minded that at all. They wouldn’t have to wait for a pool table and they wouldn’t have to shout if they wanted to talk. Spike set up the first game and Xander went to get drinks. When Xander came back, they started the first of many games of pool. A couple of hours later, the table next to them was littered with empty beer bottles and shooting pool was getting increasingly difficult; Xander was a little tipsy and his game was starting to suffer for it. But he didn’t seem to mind. In fact, Spike was happy to see a pleased smile on Xander’s face and his laughter was rich and frequent. With a start, Spike realized he hadn’t seen Xander this genuinely happy in a long time.

“Having fun?” Spike asked as he lined up his next shot.

“Yeah! This has been such a great day. Work was good, I didn’t get killed at the mall, and I’m spending time with you.”

“We spend lots of time together, Xander.”

Xander shrugged. “At home or after patrol. This is different. We aren’t hanging out by accident.”

“Does that make a difference?”

“Sorta. Tonight we’re hanging out together because we want to. Not because we just happened to be thirsty after patrol or because the girls are busy and didn’t invite us.”

Spike put his pool cue down and looked at Xander. “Xander, whenever I spend time with you it’s because I want to. No other reason. Doesn’t matter if it was planned or not.”

“It kinda does to me. Whenever I’ve gone out with someone, it’s been spur of the moment. Cordy, Anya at the prom, Faith. It just kind of happened. Like an afterthought.” Xander looked at the floor.

Spike suddenly felt like an ass for being the least bit thrown by the idea of going on a date with Xander. He stepped closer to Xander and put a hand under Xander’s chin. He tilted Xander’s face up until they were eye to eye.

“You aren’t an afterthought. Not for me.” Xander’s eyes lit up and Spike smiled. “Why didn‘t you just ask me for a date if that‘s what you wanted?”

Xander flushed. “How’d you know I was thinking of this as a date?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the way you won’t let me pay for any of the drinks or food. Or it might be the new clothes.”

“I wanted to wear something different. So you wouldn’t be ashamed to be seen with me.”

The miserable look on Xander’s face tore at Spike’s heart; he wanted his happy Xander back. He leaned forward and placed the briefest kiss to Xander’s lips. Xander looked startled. Spike wanted to say something, but was afraid to. Memories of being derided by Angelus for being ‘too human’ were still fresh all these years later. But he couldn’t stop a hand from tracing Xander’s face lightly and he couldn’t stop his gaze from softening when Xander leaned into the touch.  
Someone dropped something and the resulting crash yanked them out of their stupor. Spike cleared his throat.

“So, we gonna play pool or what?”

Xander managed a shaky grin. “Yeah. Sure. Umm...let’s finish this one then go home. I’m starving.”

They finished the game, somehow managing to slide back into the light-heartedness from earlier in the evening. On the way home, they stopped for movies and picked up the pizza Xander had ordered before they left the bar. Several movies and a pizza dinner later, they lay companionably on the couch. Xander had his head resting on a hard thigh while one of Spike’s hands played idly with his hair.

“Spike? I just wanted to say thanks. For tonight. For celebrating with me.”

“I’m glad you asked me to. You could have asked the girls, but you asked me. So thanks for that.”

Xander sat up and kissed Spike softly. “I didn’t want to celebrate with the girls. I wanted to celebrate with you.”

Spike smiled and pulled Xander in for another kiss. They kissed lazily for long minutes until Xander had to come up for air.

“Pet? Let’s go to bed.”

Xander looked confused. “I’m not sleepy.”

Spike let his gaze wander over Xander’s body. “Good. Neither am I.”

“Oh.” Xander blushed.

They quickly made up the bed. Spike pushed Xander onto the bed then straddled him. He trailed little kisses along Xander’s jaw.

“Xander? Do you remember what I said I wanted to do earlier?”

Xander thought for a second. He recalled Spike’s words and shivered. “You said you wanted to peel my clothes off me.”

Spike grinned and nipped Xander’s throat. He reached down and tugged Xander’s shirt free of his jeans. Spike slid down Xander’s body until he was kneeling at Xander’s waist. He inched the T-shirt up and licked at the smooth skin he had uncovered. Moving slowly he worked Xander’s shirt up, mouthing and licking each inch of skin that he uncovered. By the time Xander’s shirt had been tossed aside, he was panting softly.

“Spike.”

“Shh, pet. Not done yet. Still got some clothes on.”

Spike moved down and got rid of Xander’s shoes and socks. He licked gently along each instep and suckled briefly on each toe. Xander had never thought of his feet as erogenous zones before but he was quickly re-thinking that. Spike’s hand dropped onto the fly of Xander’s jeans. Xander met his gaze and Spike grinned.

“I’ve been waiting to do this all night.”

With a tug, he pulled Xander’s jeans open, each pop of the buttons making Xander shiver. Spike parted the panels of Xander’s jeans, revealing pale flesh lightly covered in dark pubic hair. He slid a hand inside to rub bare flesh. He’d been thinking of this all night too-aching to slip his hand inside Xander’s jeans and find out if his boy was telling the truth about not wearing any underwear.

“Been wanting to put my hands on you all night.”

“Been wanting your hands on me all night. Please, Spike.”

“Dunno, pet. I really like your new jeans.”

“Spike!”

“We’ll compromise. Turn over for me, Xan.”

Xander did and Spike worked the new jeans down Xander’s hips to rest just under his butt. Spike let his hands wander over the firm globes of Xander’s ass. He pulled the cheeks gently apart and bent his head. He very lightly ran his tongue along the crease of Xander’s butt.

“Oh my God.” Xander gasped.

“What’s wrong, Xan? Don’t you like it?” Spike licked again and felt Xander’s body tremble.

“No. Yes. I don’t know. It’s too much. I can’t…been waiting too long tonight.”

“All right, pet. Some other time.”

Spike quickly retrieved the lube and moved back behind Xander. He quickly slicked his cock then scooped some more into his hand. He slid two fingers deep inside Xander and began to thrust gently.

“I’ve been thinking about this all night, Xander. Every time you bent over that damn pool table, every time you laughed, every time you smiled at me. Need you, Xander. Want you.”

Spike moved forward and very gently eased the head of his cock inside Xander. He pushed forward slowly, sliding in the barest inch at a time. By the time he was completely buried inside Xander, they were both shaking. He draped himself over Xander, moaning softly when the action sent him deeper inside the welcoming body. He placed a soft kiss to the back of Xander’s neck then slowly began to move.

Xander bit his lip, trying to contain his cries. He didn’t think that they’d ever made love before this, but he couldn’t think of it as anything else. Spike hadn’t ever been this careful with him-not even their first time. His breath was coming in little pants that tickled Xander’s ear. One of Spike’s hands came around and began to stroke his cock gently. There was no way Xander could hold in his moans this time.

“’S all right, pet. No one’s home-house is quiet. Let me hear you, Xan. Want to hear you moan for me.”

Xander closed his eyes and lost himself in the pleasure Spike was giving him. His moans and breathy sighs seemed to encourage Spike-his thrusts were coming deep and hard now. He was mumbling in Xander’s ear and Xander wondered if he realized that he was murmuring the same thing over and over.

“Xander. My Xander. Need you. Always need you.”

The soft words went to straight to Xander’s heart. He wanted so badly to see Spike’s face. He put a hand back to stop Spike’s movements.

“Xan? Pet? Something wrong?”

“Can’t see you, Spike. I want to see you. Please.”

Spike moved away just long enough to strip them of their clothing. He lay on his back and pulled Xander over him. He helped Xander ease himself down until Spike was fully inside Xander once again.

Xander moved slowly, wanting to give Spike the same pleasure that Spike had given him earlier. Spike’s hands rested on Xander’s thighs. Xander brought his hands down and entwined their fingers. They rocked together slowly and Xander kept his eyes locked on Spike. Finally, he leaned down and captured Spike’s mouth. Spike’s hands came to wind in Xander’s hair, holding Xander’s head still so Spike could ravish his mouth. Xander slid his hands under Spike’s shoulders and began to move faster. He came with a hoarse sob. Spike tore his mouth away from Xander, gulping in air as his own orgasm hit him.

“Xander. God, Xander, I…” Spike buried his head in Xander’s shoulder, body shaking with the force of his climax.

Xander ran his hands soothingly along Spike’s sides. He trailed little kisses over Spike’s face and along his jaw. Finally, the tremors subsided and Spike’s arms slid from around Xander. Xander gently eased himself off Spike then curled against the vampire’s side. He smiled when Spike’s arms immediately came around him to hold him closer. He fell asleep, tucked securely in Spike’s embrace.


	8. Chapter 8

Xander stretched out on the grass with his lunch. It was a gorgeous day and he’d started a new project with his old construction crew. He really liked this group; most of them were quite a bit older than he was, but they treated him well. As he ate, he wondered if Spike would want to go for a drive tonight. Maybe they could go to the beach and watch the waves. Or he could take Spike to that little spot in the woods, the one with the clearing where they could look at the stars. Maybe...

“Xander?”

He started and realized his foreman had come over.

“Geez, Mike, I’m sorry. Am I late getting back from lunch?” Xander couldn’t believe he’d lost track of time like that.

“You’re not late. I just wanted to talk to you.”

Mike sat down and Xander watched him nervously. Usually, when your boss wanted to talk to you, it wasn’t a good thing.

“I just wanted to let you know how impressed I am with your work. You did a great job on the strip mall project and you’re starting out well here. I have a full time position opening up and I wondered if you’d be interested.”

Xander’s eyes lit up. With a steady paycheck, he could finally start looking for an apartment. He and Spike could get out of the basement and ...Xander frowned. What if Spike didn’t want to live with him anymore? What if Spike would rather find his own place? What if...

“Xander? I think I lost you there for a minute.”

Xander gave Mike a sheepish grin. “Sorry. It’s just that I’m living in my parent’s basement and this means I can start looking for my own place.”

“Ah. Well, good for you.” Mike paused then asked, “is your girlfriend going to move in with you?”

“My what?” Xander asked, surprised.

“Come on, Xander. We’ve all noticed how much happier you are lately. That usually means a relationship. So, what’s she like?”

Oh, what the hell. Xander grinned and said, “She’s actually a he. He’s messy, rude, opinionated, and a major pain in the butt most of the time. Strangely enough, that doesn’t seem to matter.”

Mike laughed. “It never does when you’re in love. Well, enjoy the rest of your lunch. I need to get back.”

Xander stared at his retreating back, somewhat bemused. He’d come out to his boss and the world hadn’t come to an end. It had actually been pretty easy. He had no illusions that it would ever go that smoothly with the Scoobies and Giles, but it did make him feel better. His brow furrowed. Was he in love with Spike? His feelings went beyond a simple crush; he was willing to admit that. He felt something for Spike, but was it love? He went back to work, but his mind was a million miles away.

* * *

Spike couldn’t believe he was up this early in the day let alone doing laundry. He was becoming resigned to the fact that he was no longer the Big Bad, but still. He sighed. He’d woken when Xander had gotten up to go to work. He’d managed to go back to sleep for a few hours, but the bed was empty and cold without Xander in it. He’d gotten up, showered, heated himself some blood, and settled in to watch some telly. He couldn’t find anything decent so he’d shut it off. He’d pottered around the basement, tidying up, but that didn’t take long since the basement was so small. He’d noticed the pile of laundry and decided to wash it. One less chore for Xander when he got home and that translated to more time for shagging. So here Spike was, folding laundry at two o’clock in the afternoon instead of sleeping like any self-respecting vampire would be. He snorted; if Dru could see him now she’d be more convinced than ever that he’d gone soft. And Angelus, well if Angelus could see him...

Suddenly, Spike froze. It dawned on him that he’d been thinking of his Sire and Grandsire a lot lately. Every time he wanted to do or say something to Xander that was even remotely ‘nice’, he’d hear Dru’s mocking laughter or see Angelus’ disgusted frown. It finally occurred to him to wonder why he still cared what they thought of him. Angelus was gone and Angel had made it perfectly clear that he didn’t give a damn about what happened to Spike. Dru had left him for a demon with more slime than brains and he didn’t even know where she was right now.

He’d been so completely in love with his Dru. He’d given her everything he had to give, never spending more than a minute away from her in the century that they’d been together. He would never forget how it felt to have her turn from him the minute Angelus had crooked his finger at her. Spike had rationalized it, telling himself that she had no choice. Angelus was her Sire, after all. He’d convinced himself that if they just got out of Sunnydale they’d be ok. They hadn’t been, of course. Dru had flitted from man to man and demon to demon. None of them lasted long because none of them measured up to Dru’s ‘Daddy’- not even Spike.

Spike knew that Xander wasn’t like that; he was decent, kind, and fiercely protective of those he loved. The only problem was that Spike didn’t know if he fell into that latter category or even if he wanted to. Dru’s betrayal was still too fresh and Spike wasn’t sure he was ready for a new relationship. He went back to folding laundry, a frown marring his handsome features.

* * *

A few hours later and Spike’s mind wasn’t any clearer. He was heading for a snack when the unexpected sound of a car in the driveway made him pause. Odd, Xander liked to walk when the weather was nice. Why would he have gotten a ride? His nostrils flared as the scent hit him. Blood- Xander’s blood. He was across the room before he realized that he couldn’t go outside. Growling low in his throat, he shifted his weight impatiently from foot to foot while he waited. When Xander came in, supported by a man Spike didn’t recognize, he couldn’t stop the growl from getting louder.

Xander’s head shot up at the menacing sound. He saw the faintest hint of gold in Spike’s eyes and hoped Mike didn’t notice any odd behavior. For a second he didn’t understand why Spike was upset then he remembered the blood on his shirt. He should have known that Spike would be able to smell it.

“Spike, it’s ok. I’m fine.”

“There’s blood on your shirt, pet. That isn’t my idea of ‘fine’.”

“Xander had an accident at work,” Mike said as he helped Xander to sit down. “He needed some stitches, but he’s going to be just fine.”

Mike looked at the blond he assumed was Xander’s boyfriend. The man seemed to be vibrating with tension. Mike decided his presence was unwelcome at best and after reminding Xander to take a few days off, he beat a hasty retreat.

Spike was at Xander’s side immediately, fingers swiftly unbuttoning Xander’s shirt so he could see the damage for himself.

“What’s with the growling and vamp eyes, Spike? I’m fine.”

“You’re hurt. Didn’t want him touching you when you’re hurt.” Or ever, but Spike kept that thought to himself.

Spike very carefully removed the square white bandage from Xander’s chest. An ugly yellow and purple bruise started in the center of Xander’s chest and extended over his left nipple. A neat row of stitches closed the wound that was perilously close to Xander’s heart. Spike placed a shaking hand over the stitches.

“Christ, Xan.”

“I know. It’s ok. Hurts, but the doctor said there’s no permanent damage. I need to call the girls. There’s no way I’m up to patrolling tonight. Besides, the doc gave me a painkiller and it’s making me sleepy.”

“Sit still. I’ll call the girls and then I’m getting you into the tub. Get you cleaned up, yeah?”

Xander sat in the chair, half-asleep and only vaguely aware of Spike calling Giles. He heard water running in the bathroom and wondered how he was going to manage to take a bath when he just so tired. Spike came out of the bathroom and helped Xander to his feet. Leaning on Spike, he was able to make it to the bathroom. He stood quietly and let Spike strip him and settle him in the tub. He leaned back with a grateful sigh, careful not to let the water reach his stitches.

“Thanks Spike. I’ll be out in a minute.”

Spike snorted. “You don’t really think that I’m gonna leave you in here alone? Don’t fancy lettin’ you drown, pet.”

Xander was a little embarrassed, but he wasn’t sure why. He slept with Spike all the time; why did the thought of Spike bathing him feel funny? Hands warmed by the bath water and covered in soap began to gently wash his chest around the wound site and he sighed in pleasure. Maybe being bathed wasn’t really a bad thing.

Spike gently washed the blood from Xander’s chest. He was mindful of the stitches, but every other part of Xander received a thorough washing. He carefully washed and rinsed Xander’s hair then helped him from the tub. He wrapped a large bath towel around Xander and started to lead him from the room.

“Wait a minute, Spike. I’m, uh, not done in here.”

“Course you are. You’re all clean and blood-free now, Xan. Let’s get you to bed before you fall asleep standing up.”

“Spike, I kinda have to pee.” Xander’s face was tinged pink.

Spike shook his head, grinning ruefully. They had sex all the time, but the boy still got embarrassed over things like that. “Sorry, pet. Didn’t think. I’ll go pull out the bed for you. Can you manage ok by yourself?”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll be fine.” Bathing him was one thing; he was so not letting Spike in here while he peed. “Why are pulling out the bed. It’s barely dinnertime.”

“You need a nap, you’re practically dead on your feet. You’ll be more comfortable if you’re in bed and not just on the sofa.”

He left and Xander used the bathroom. After knotting the towel securely around his hips, he slowly made his way into the other room. He found the bed pulled out and a pair of boxers lying on the sheets. He smiled. Spike was being so nice to him. He sat down on the bed and managed to get the boxers on, although it was struggle as they appeared to be evil boxers with only one leg hole and Xander had two legs. With some intense concentration, he managed to slide the underwear on. He was sliding under the covers when Spike came back from the kitchen area. He had two bottles in his hand and a glass of juice.

“Whoever that was that dropped you off left your medicine for you. The doctor’s note said that you need take this antibiotic now and then a pain pill in a few hours.”

He handed Xander a pill from one of the bottles and the glass of juice. Only vampire reflexes saved Xander from another bath when Xander’s hand couldn’t seem to make the cup find his mouth. Spike held the glass and Xander managed to take his pill.

“I don’t know what they gave me, Spike, but it’s really good,” Xander grinned sleepily.

Spike gave him an indulgent smile and turned to go. He figured he'd sprawl out in the chair of doom and watch some sitcoms or something while Xander slept. Xander’s voice stopped him.

“Stay here and talk to me until I go to sleep?”

Spike slid into bed and let Xander curl up around him. Xander lay on his right side and Spike could see the bruised portion of his chest. He ran a shaky hand over the bruise. “Does it hurt?”

“Not anymore,” Xander said sleepily. “It’s my own fault, really. I wasn’t paying attention. Can’t let your mind wander when you’re on a construction site. At least this time I didn’t get any funny sex diseases.”

Spike smiled a little at the remembrance. His finger traced the stitches that were way too close to Xander’s heart for his liking. “Why weren’t you paying attention, pet? Xander, you could have been killed.”

Too hyped up on pain medicine to realize that Spike had actually used his full name or to register the concerned tone, Xander snuggled closer to Spike. “I was thinking about you. Mike offered me full-time and that means we can get a new place.”

“’We’?”

“Hmm. Yeah, want you to come with me. I told Mike that you were rude and bossy, but I forgot to tell him that you’re really nice too and that I think I love you and I want you to move in with me for real and not because you got sent here because of the chip.”

Spike was too floored to appreciate the Xander babble. Xander was in love with him? He shook his head. No, that was just the medicine talking.

“Xan? Look...”

But Xander was asleep, head pillowed on Spike’s chest, his own chest rising and falling gently with his breathing. Spike laid his hand over Xander’s heart, feeling the reassuring beat that meant Xander was still there with him. He lay for a long time, watching Xander sleep and feeling the steady thump under his palm.


	9. Chapter 9

When Buffy arrived at The Bronze, she looked around for Riley and Willow. Not seeing them, she decided to sit at the bar while she waited. No Xander tonight; Spike had called Giles and said that Xander had gotten hurt at work. She’d have to remember to give him a call tomorrow and check on him. She was startled out of her thoughts by the appearance of the bartender.

“You’re Buffy, right?” the bartender asked, setting down her drink. “I’ve seen you in here with Xander.”

“You know Xander?”

“Sure. He comes in almost every night. Has a few beers, shoots some pool with his friend. He’s a good guy.”

Buffy frowned; sure they came to The Bronze, but not that often now that school had started. “He comes in here a lot?”

“Yeah, with that blond guy that hangs out with you sometimes. What’s his name?” he trailed off, thinking.

“Spike?”

“That’s it. Look, I’ve got to go. Customers, you know. Holler if you need anything else.”

Buffy watched him leave, lost in thought. Xander was hanging out with Spike? Why?

‘Oh my God, this is all my fault. I knew I should have kept an eye on Spike,’ she thought.

She’d been so caught up in Riley and patrol and Riley and school that she’d forgotten about Xander. He was so bored he was reduced to spending time with Spike. She was the worst friend ever. As soon as Willow arrived, they were going to have a long talk. They needed to do something to help Xander; it was way past time for them to start being better friends to him.

* * *

When Xander woke, he found himself wrapped securely in Spike’s arms. He couldn’t remember much about last night and what he did remember was kind of foggy. All he knew for sure was that Spike had taken care of him; he’d been so careful with Xander last night, as if Xander was breakable. He looked at Spike’s face and noticed the shadows under his eyes. The vampire hadn’t gotten much sleep, he’d been too busy making sure that Xander took his pills on time and checking to see if Xander was comfortable. Xander looked at the peaceful face of his sleeping lover and something just seemed to click. He was in love with Spike, completely, totally head over heels in love with the guy. Xander reached out and ran a hand gently along Spike’s cheek. Blue eyes popped open and regarded him with concern.

“You ok Xan?”

“I’m fine. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

He rubbed his thumb along Spike’s cheekbone, smiling when Spike turned his head to place a kiss to Xander’s palm.

“Spike, can we talk?”

Spike’s eyes clouded. “Listen, pet, I want you to know that I understand about last night. You were hurting and doped up on pills and you didn’t know what you were saying.”

Xander frowned. “Did I say something to embarrass myself, cause I really don’t remember anything but the evil boxer shorts from Hell.”

Spike’s eyebrow shot up. “Evil knickers? Must have missed that part. You didn’t do anything, Xan, you were the perfect patient.”

Spike didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed that Xander didn’t remember saying that he loved him. Actually, Xander had said he thought he loved Spike and that wasn’t the same thing. He jerked when he felt Xander’s fingers tracing the frown lines that marred his brow.

“Are you sure, Spike, because you have this funny look on your face.”

“I do not look funny!” Spike desperately needed to lighten the mood. The soft way Xander was touching him was getting to him.

“No, not funny looking at all. You’re gorgeous.” Xander leaned forward to brush Spike’s lips with his own.

Spike hitched in a shaky breath at the feather light press of Xander’s mouth on his. He’d never been kissed like that; a soft, sweet, barely there kiss that wasn’t intended to arouse. It was just a kiss.

“Xan...”

Whatever Spike planned to say was interrupted by the ringing of the phone. Xander sighed and rolled his eyes.

“Remind me why I have one of those.”

He rolled off the bed, grumbling good-naturedly as he crossed the room. Spike closed his eyes and tried to get a grip on his rapidly shifting emotions.

“Wills! How’s my best girl? Yeah? Me? I’m fine, really. You what? That’s ok, Will, I’m not...Will...Willow your resolve face doesn’t work over the phone. Yeah, I can see it in my head. Damn. Ok, fine, I’ll be right there. I can stop and pick up the doughnuts. Really? Wow. Ok, I’m on my way.”

Xander hung up the phone, a look of such surprised pleasure on his face that it hurt Spike to see it. It was so easy to make Xander happy; why didn’t his friends do it more often?

“That was Willow. The girls are worried about me. Giles too, I guess. We’re having breakfast. I don’t have to do anything but show up and eat.”

Spike gave a small grin. “Sounds good.”

Xander was pulling on a pair of jeans. “I know that you don’t like hanging around Buffy any more than you have to, so you can stay here and go back to sleep. I won’t be gone long.” He finished dressing then crawled onto the bed to kiss Spike good-bye. “Get some sleep. I know you were up a lot last night taking care of me. See ya in a little while.”

Spike watched him go, utterly speechless. Xander had never kissed him good-bye before. Things were changing and he didn’t know how to stop them. He got up and began to pace. The worry from the night before combined with the uncertainty of the morning had Spike on edge. He had an overwhelming need to be near Xander. He dressed quickly and grabbed his duster. Good thing Giles’ place had sewer access.

* * *

Xander sat on the couch, his best girls on either side of him. Giles was in the kitchen, making tea for himself and orange juice for everyone else. The requisite doughnuts were already on the table in front of the couch. Willow was eyeing Xander’s bruises.

“Geez, Xander, that looks so bad,” Willow said.

Xander pulled his shirt back down. “It’s fine, it doesn’t even hurt that much.” Which was a lie, it ached constantly, but he didn’t want them to worry.

“Why didn’t you let us come over last night? We could have helped,” Buffy said.

“All I did was sleep. Spike made sure I took my pills and then I was pretty much out like a light.”

“Spike played nursemaid?” Buffy asked.

“Yeah.”

Buffy shot an I-told-you-so look at Willow.

“Xander, we wanted to talk to you.”

Willow sounded hesitant and Xander frowned.

“Something wrong?”

“No, of course not. We just miss you Xander. We don’t get to spend as much time together as we used to.”

“Oh. Well, you guys have school and stuff and Buffy’s got Riley and you have Tara. I understand.”

Xander shrugged as if it didn’t matter, but both girls saw the sadness in his eyes. Buffy put a hand on his knee.

“I’m glad you understand because we are busy, but from now on we’re not too busy for us. You guys are my best friends.”

Xander smiled a little. “I know we can’t spend as much time together as we used to, but I really miss you guys.”

“We miss you too!” came from both girls as they each hugged a side, being careful not to squeeze Xander.

They were so caught up in their mini reunion they didn’t hear Spike come in. He stood quietly, watching the three friends. Xander was laughing and Spike couldn’t help but smile. He shook his head. Stop things from changing- who was he kidding? It was way too late for that. For the first time since he’d been turned, he was in love with a mortal. He was in love with Xander. Bloody hell.

“So, what are you doing Saturday?” Buffy asked Xander.

Xander laughed. “Nothing, I guess. Why?”

“We want to have a picnic on the beach. Riley, Tara, and us.”

“That sounds nice, Buffy, but I don’t want to be a fifth wheel.”

Willow grinned. “You won’t be. We, well we kinda want to set you up on a blind date. I have a friend in my Chemistry class that I really think you’d like.”

Xander looked surprised. “Woah, guys, slow down. It’s great that you want to hang out with me, but I don’t need a pity date.”

“You listen to me, Alexander Lavelle Harris,” Willow said angrily. “This is not a pity date. You’re a fantastic guy and any girl would be lucky to go out with you. Jessica is sweet and she just moved here, so she doesn’t know anyone. I thought it would be nice to introduce her to some people. You don’t have to call it a date if you don’t want to.”

“Please Xander,” Buffy pleaded. “We’ll have so much fun.”

“You should do it.”

Three heads turned to look at Spike standing in the doorway. Buffy and Willow looked a little shocked, but Xander just looked confused.

“What did you say?”

Spike looked at the trusting face of his lover and his heart clenched. He knew that what he was about to do was the right thing, so why did it hurt so freakin’ bad? He pasted a smirk on his face.

“You should do it, let your mates set you up, then go out and get some sun. You spend any more time in that soddin’ basement and you’ll be paler than me.”

Every word hurt, but Willow was right. Xander had so much to offer; too much to be wasting it on someone like Spike. Xander started to protest, but Spike cut him off.

“Not one for group hugs so I’m just gonna grab the blood I came for.”

He hurried to the kitchen and grabbed some bags from the fridge. He was out the door before anyone could say anything. Giles was coming into the living room with a tray of drinks. He watched Spike hurry out, a quizzical expression on his face.

“Ok, that was weird,” Buffy said.

Xander had to agree; there was plenty of blood in the fridge at home so he knew that that wasn’t the reason Spike had come.

“What do you say, Xander, beach on Saturday?”

Xander forced his attention back to Buffy. “I don’t know. Look, guys, I should get going.”

Giles gave him a thoughtful look. “Xander, you haven’t even eaten yet.”

Food was the last thing on Xander’s mind, but he knew that there wasn’t any excuse he could make that wouldn’t make the gang suspicious. He forced himself to eat a little and chat with the girls, but all he really wanted to do was get home and talk to Spike.

Finally, he was able to make his get away and he walked as fast as could towards home. Two blocks from home he couldn’t stand it anymore and he started to run. He burst through the basement door, calling for Spike. The basement was empty and he forced down the rising panic. He went to the closet and yanked open the door, finding exactly what he expected to find; Spike’s side was empty. He hurried to the kitchen area and looked in the fridge; all of Spike’s blood was gone. Xander wandered back to the living room in a daze. He looked at the closet, the door still standing open. Spike was gone. His chest hurt and he reached up to absently rub at the stitches only to realize that they weren’t what hurt. He curled up in the orange chair and sat staring blankly at the half empty closet.


	10. Chapter 10

When Willow arrived at Xander’s house, she let herself into the basement without knocking. She didn’t want to wake Xander if he was napping, but he’d been acting weird when he left Giles’ and she was worried. She noticed Xander curled up in the ratty orange chair and smiled. She crossed the room, closing the closet door as she passed it. Xander jumped and she realized that he’d been staring fixedly at the open door.

“Xander, what’s wrong?”

Xander shook his head as if to clear it. “Nothing. Guess I just spaced out for a minute.” He blinked and rubbed a weary hand over his eyes. “What are you doing here?”

She held up the bags she carried. “Homemade chicken soup. You know how my mom swears by the stuff. I got you some other stuff like juice, stuff for sandwiches, and snacks in case you didn’t feel like going shopping.”

She headed for the kitchen area and began to put away the groceries. “I brought a few bags of blood for Spike. I figured if he was raiding Giles’ fridge, he must be out.”

Xander had to blink back sudden tears. “Spike’s not living here anymore.”

“Since when?”

“Since today. I guess he was ready for his own space.”

Xander closed his eyes against the sudden rush of pain. He opened them when he felt Willow’s hand on his knee. She had a worried frown on her face and Xander realized that he was rubbing his chest again.

“Does it hurt?” Willow put a careful hand over his and Xander had to fight back tears again.

“It hurts so much, Will.” It felt kind of nice to tell her, even if they were talking about two separate things.

“Oh sweetie. When was the last time you took a pain pill?”

“With breakfast?”

“Xander, it’s after 6:00. Have you eaten dinner yet?”

After 6:00? God, he’d lost most of a day. “No, I haven’t had anything since the doughnuts at Giles’.”

Willow went to the kitchen, heated some soup and made Xander a ham and cheese sandwich. She brought it to him along with his pills and a big glass of grape juice. The juice made Xander smile; he adored grape juice and only ever got it at Willow’s house. Grape juice wasn’t allowed in the Harris house because three-year-old Xander had once spilled a cup of the stuff on his mother’s carpet.

Xander managed to eat just enough to make Willow happy. While he ate, she chatted, flitting from subject to subject and not requiring any more from Xander but an occasional nod. When he was finished, Willow carried the dishes to the kitchen and tidied up.

“I should go; I’ve got study group. I could skip it, though, if you need me to stick around.”

Xander smiled a little at that. “You’d give up study time for me? I’m honored. Seriously, though, it’s ok. I’m just going to go to sleep. The pain pills make me tired.”

“Do you want me to stop and check on you later?”

“No thanks. You shouldn’t be out alone too late, Will, you know that. I’m just going to sleep.”

“Well, ok, but if you need anything, call. Promise?”

“Promise.”

After Willow left, Xander shuffled over to the couch and pulled out the bed. He lay staring at the ceiling, wondering what he’d done to make Spike leave. Had Spike been that unhappy? And if he was, how come Xander hadn’t noticed? Was he that selfish?

He dozed fitfully, reaching out for Spike several times only to remember that Spike was gone. Finally, he gave up trying to sleep. He got up and put the bed away then flicked on the TV. He sat on the couch with a glass of juice and the remote control and tried to pretend he was actually enjoying the late night Baywatch marathon.

* * *

Two days later he was in the exact same spot. Showering and dressing required too much effort so he skipped them. Cooking was a pain and he wasn’t hungry anyway so he lived on juice and the occasional potato chip. The phone rang once in awhile and he ignored it. TV was infinitely preferable to anything else; it didn’t hurt and it required no more effort than the pressing of a button.

By the third day he was pretty sure the couch cushion had a permanent imprint of his butt. By the fourth, he had progressed to his old favorite, Patsy Cline. He lay on the couch in his underwear, staring at the ceiling, and listening to yet another repetition of ’I Fall To Pieces’. The phone was ringing almost constantly and he was finally forced to answer it. He talked to Mike and made and excuse about his stitches getting infected. He promised to be in on Monday and hung up the phone. Monday was still a ways away; maybe they’d have an apocalypse by then. Giles was next and Xander told him the same story, assuring the Watcher that he was fine, just tired and in need of some rest. He hung up and pulled the phone cord from the wall. Maybe now he could suffer in peace and quiet.

* * *

Giles hung up the phone, shaking his head. He saw Willow’s anxious face and smiled. “He’s fine, just a little worn out. Seems his wound became infected and is healing a little slower than the doctors hoped. He sounded tired so I suppose sleep is the best thing for him. Although how Xander could sleep with that infernal racket is beyond me.”

“Racket?”

“I suppose you’d call it music, but I prefer classical to country.”

“Xander was listening to country music?”

Giles frowned at Willow’s shrill tone. “I believe so, yes.”

“I knew it! I knew there was a reason we hadn’t seen or heard from him in days. Xander only listens to country when he’s upset.” Willow grabbed her things and headed for the door. “When Buffy gets back from patrol, tell her I went to talk to Xander.”

She was gone before Giles could say anything. With a sigh, he began to polish his glasses and he wondered once again why Slayers couldn’t be fully-grown adults with fully-grown adult friends.

* * *

Willow let herself into the dark basement. The only light came from the muted TV, so she flicked the switch near the door. Xander was lying on the couch in a pair of boxers that had seen better days. His hair was lank and greasy. She went to kneel by the couch.

“Talk to me Xander. Don’t give me any of that ‘fine’ crap you’ve been spouting. You’re not fine and I want to help.”

“You can’t.”

“Xander, what happened? Just a few days ago things were great and now you’re all depressed and you won’t talk to us. Please, Xander, you’re starting to scare me.”

To her amazement, Xander’s eyes filled with tears. She’d never seen him cry, at least not since they were kids. Xander hadn’t even cried when Jesse died. She scooted up to sit on the couch until she sat with Xander’s head in her lap and softly stroked his hair.

The gesture was too much for Xander. He remembered all the times he and Spike had watched TV in just this pose and he started to cry. The sobs seemed to come from somewhere deep inside and his body shook with the force of his tears. Finally, the tears tapered off and he sat up with an embarrassed sniff. He gave Willow a sheepish smile.

“God, I can’t remember the last time I did that.”

“Then you must have needed to. Feel better?”

“A little. It still hurts so much Will.”

“I can’t help you if you won’t tell me what’s wrong.”

He sighed. “It’s kind of a long story, but the short version is that I was seeing someone and now I’m not.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“For the same reason you didn’t tell Buffy and me about Tara.”

Slow blink as Willow processed that then, “It was a guy someone?”

Xander nodded.

“Oh! Oh. Um, ok, I guess I’m right back at the why didn’t you tell us? You should have known that at least I’d understand. And Buffy and Giles love you, they wouldn’t have freaked. Much.”

“It just happened so fast. I wasn’t sure how to tell you guys or what to say. By the time I realized that I was in love, it was too late. He was gone.”

“What happened?”

The bewildered hurt on Xander’s face broke Willow’s heart. “I honestly don’t know. We were getting along and we were happy. At least I thought we were, but then all of a sudden he left. He didn’t even tell me why. I don’t know what I did wrong.”

“Xander, what makes you think you did anything wrong?”

“I must have or he wouldn’t have moved out.”

“Moved...oh my God! Spike? You and Spike?”

Suddenly all kinds of things had a significance they hadn’t had before. She’d noticed the two of them getting friendlier, but she’d never suspected it was anything more than male bonding after being forced to live together.

“It’ll be ok, Xander, we’ll get you through this. First things first. I love you more than anything and you’re the bestest of my best friends, but sweetie, you need to shower.”

For the first time Xander noticed that he was wearing nothing but his boxers and that he was rather...aromatic. He blushed beet red and hurried to the bathroom. He stood under the hot spray for a long time, letting the water soothe him. When he emerged from the bathroom, squeaky clean and smelling of soap, he couldn’t believe how much better he felt.

Willow was putting pizza on plates. “You don’t have any food in this place so I ordered pizza and sodas.”

The smell of tangy pizza sauce and mozzarella cheese made his stomach rumble. Xander went to Willow and wrapped her in a big hug. “Thanks.”

“What are friends for?”

They carried their plates to the couch and got comfortable.

“So, do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

“It’s weird really.” Xander took a drink of his soda, thinking. “When Spike first moved in here I was pretty sure we’d end up killing each other. Turns out, though, that we have a lot in common. We were friends before anything else started and that was different for me. We hung out, watched movies, patrolled together, and I...noticed him, I guess. When I realized that I liked him in a more than friends way it freaked me out, but not as much as it probably should have. The Spike you guys see is so different to the way he is when he’s here and it’s just us.”

Willow was actually not to surprised by that. She’d noticed subtle changes in Spike, but she’d assumed it was the chip. Now she wondered if it was more Xander’s influence than the chip’s.

“I don’t know if it’s Spike that’s changed or if it’s me, but I get to see a side of him that he doesn’t show much. I think Dru hurt him more than he lets on. He can be so sweet, Willow. Not that I’d ever say that in front of him because I happen to like my insides on the inside, thanks.”

Everything Xander felt for Spike was evident in his tone and it made Willow smile. She was pretty sure she sounded like that when she talked about Tara. For the next couple of hours, they talked about everything; Spike, Tara, Oz, college- anything and everything. Xander hadn’t felt this close to Willow in a long time.

“It’s getting late. Do you want me to sleep over?” Willow grinned. “It would be just like old times, except you’d talk about boys and I’d talk about girls.”

Xander laughed and hugged her. “No, but thanks. I’m sure you have class early. Thanks for tonight Willow. I really needed it.”

She hugged him back, hard. “What are you going to do about Spike?”

Xander shrugged nonchalantly, but his eyes were sad. “What can I do? He left and I don’t know where he is or even if he’s still in town.”

* * *

As it turned out, Spike hadn’t gone far. He’d found an empty crypt in one of Sunnydale’s many cemeteries and moved himself in. He’d gone to Willy’s for blood then realized that he didn’t have electricity; he had no way to keep the blood cold or to heat it when he was hungry. He’d bought Willy’s entire stock of Jack Daniels and proceeded to get drunk instead.

By his second day of having ingested nothing but straight JD, Spike was wondering if it was possible for a vampire to die of alcohol poisoning. By the third, he took to lying on a coffin (the irony of which gave him the giggles, despite sternly telling himself that it was unseemly for a one hundred and twenty year old vampire to giggle), because his legs had disappeared. By the fourth, his legs had returned and he was currently weaving around the crypt, bottle in hand, as he talked to himself.

“Wouldn’t hurt to go check on him. I wouldn’t have to let him see me, could just look in on him and make sure he’s doing all right. He was hurt and I left him all alone.”

He whirled drunkenly around and somehow managed not to trip over his own feet. He lifted the half-empty bottle to his lips and took a swig. He wanted to see Xander so badly he ached with it, but he knew he was lying to himself. If he got close enough to see Xander, he’d want to touch him, to reassure himself that Xander was fine.

“I left for a reason. I’m not doin’ him any favors if I start popping in and out of his life. I should just go, leave this miserable bitch of a town and not look back. I could go anywhere I wanted, I could...”

He growled and threw the bottle against a wall where it shattered with a satisfying crunch. He didn’t want to go anywhere that didn’t have his Xander.

“Oh, it’s just you.”

Spike closed his eyes and hung his head. Finally he turned around, hoping the voice was a booze induced hallucination. No such luck.

“Slayer. What brings you here?”

“I heard a noise and figured I better check it out. Willow told me you’d moved out of Xander’s basement and I was kind of hoping you’d disappeared to parts unknown.”

She thought she saw Spike flinch at the mention of Xander and her eyes narrowed. That was odd.

“Yeah, well I figured it was time to go. Xan wouldn’t want me hanging around when he was bringing his new girl home.”

Buffy frowned. Had Spike just said ‘Xan’? What was that about? And what girl? She thought for a minute.

“Are you talking about Jessica?”

Definite flinch this time and Buffy was on full alert.

“He never went out with Jessica,” Buffy said.

There was no mistaking the relief on Spike’s face.

“We haven’t seen him since the day of his accident,” she continued.

“You haven’t bothered to check on him? How you have the soddin’ nerve to call yourself his friend, I’ll never understand,” Spike said furiously.

“Oh my God, you like Xander!” Buffy accused.

“What? You are off your bird. I do not.” Spike was shifting nervously from foot to foot.

“You so do. God, that’s just so gross.”

“Hey! My Xander is not gross.” Spike took a step towards her but got tangled in his own feet and ended up on his butt. He bowed his head and didn’t move.

For the first time, she noticed all the empty bottles littering the floor. She looked at Spike’s defeated posture and suddenly remembered Willow telling her about Spike’s actions when he’d come to Sunnydale looking for a love spell to get Dru to come back to him.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” she muttered.

She went over to Spike and gingerly sat on the floor near him.

“Spike?”

He turned to look at her and for the first time Buffy noticed how drawn and pale he looked. She sighed. “So, what have we been missing here? I’m suddenly seeing the whole you and Xander Bronzing thing in a different light. You guys have been hanging out and patrolling all the time.”

“We were friends.”

“Were? What happened?”

“Nothing happened. I just figured Xander needed his space, is all. He can’t be meeting girls and such if he’s always got me tagging along.”

“Spike, I saw his face when you told him to go out with Jessica. I didn’t really see it before, but that was not a happy look.”

“He’ll be happy, eventually, that’s why I left. If I’m not around, he’ll see that we don’t work, that he’s better off without me.”

Spike pulled himself off the floor and began to pace again. “Shaggin’ a vampire’s one thing, loving one is something else. Figured I could leave before he got in too deep.”

“You were _sleeping_ with him?”

Spike looked at her, confused. “What’d you think we were talking about?”

“I don’t know! Dating or whatever you’d call it. Not...eww. I so didn’t need to know that.”

“Well consider it unknown then since it ain’t happen’ again.”

“What did Xander say when you told him?” The look on his face made her furious. “You didn’t tell him?”

“Easier for him that way.”

“Bullshit.”

Spike’s jaw dropped. He and Buffy might take verbal shots at each other, but she rarely cursed.

“You mean it’s easier for you. You’re a coward Spike. You’re pulling the same crap on Xander that Angel pulled on me.”

“Watch it Slayer. I’m nothing like the poofter.”

“You’re exactly like the poofter...Angel. He decided that we had no future so he walked. He actually had the courtesy to tell me, but he made the decision on all his own. By the time he told me, his mind was already made up. He made a decision on his own that affected us and didn’t even let me have a say. Do you have any idea how much it hurts to have someone treat you like your opinion is nothing?”

Spike opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again. For once in his life, he had no idea what to say.

“It’s not fair to Xander to do that. If you really believe that you guys don’t have a future, that’s one thing. But to not even give him a chance to have a side is just wrong, Spike.”

“Buffy...”

“Don’t ok? You and I aren’t going to be friends Spike.” She hitched in an uneven breath. “I tried that once and it didn’t end well. People died because I got emotionally involved and couldn’t do my job. I can’t afford to let that happen again. I love Xander and if you two decide to be together I guess I’ll learn to deal, and if you decide not to be then I’ll be around to help him pick up the pieces. But if you’re going to leave, don’t do it like this. Xander deserves to have a say in it.”

She walked out of the crypt without looking back. Spike watched her go, a thoughtful expression on his face.


	11. Chapter 11

After his talk with Willow, Xander had slept better than he had in days; not great and he still couldn’t sleep on the bed, but it was better. He spent the day cleaning, doing laundry, and thinking. He still couldn’t figure out just what had gone wrong and the thought that he might never know really bothered him.

After the chores were done, he sat down to watch TV but nothing kept his attention. He turned the TV off and began to wander around the basement. His eyes kept falling on the ratty orange chair. Maybe he should get rid of it. The sofa bed, too. He had a little money in his savings and now that he’d be working full-time, he didn’t mind using a little of it. He didn’t have to get anything fancy or even anything brand new, just something comfortable and not in the orange family.

He paused; why was he thinking about redecorating the basement? What had happened to getting a new place? Just because Spike wouldn’t be coming with didn’t mean he couldn’t move. He glanced at his watch; it was time for dinner. He decided to treat himself to a burger and on the way to the restaurant he could pick up a newspaper and check for rentals while he ate. Xander went to the closet to grab his shoes. He swung the door closed...and jumped about three feet in the air.

“Damn it, Spike, you scared the hell out of me.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to sneak up on you,” Spike said, abashed. A pause and then, “No de-invite spell, huh?”

Xander shrugged and tried to pretend that his heart was racing because of the scare Spike had given him and not because was in touching distance. “I didn’t think I’d need it, didn’t think you’d be back.”

There was an awkward silence while they just stared at one another. Finally, Spike broke it.

“Listen, Xan, I was wrong to leave.”

Xander felt a spark of hope flare, but it quickly died out as Spike continued speaking.

“I should’ve told you I was going, shouldn’t have just walked out without saying anything.”

“Why did you?” Xander managed to keep his voice steady, but he had to ball his hands into fists to keep them from reaching out to Spike.

“Thought it would be easier for you.”

“So, what, you changed your mind and decided to officially break up with me? The first time wasn’t good enough for you so you figured you’d just come back and do a better job of hurting me?”

“I never meant to hurt you, Xander.”

Xander stared at him, incredulous. “We become friends, we hang out, we start sleeping together, and I think we’re doing great. Then you walk out on me without a word, but you didn’t mean to hurt me? Jesus, Spike, what would you have done if you had wanted to hurt me?” His voice rose until he was shouting, but he didn’t care. Being angry was better than being in pain.

Spike ran a hand through his hair. “See, this is why I left the way I did. No big emotional scene, just the end.”

“Yeah, because we both know that there was no emotion on your part.”

Spike’s eyes narrowed. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It means I know that you were just using me until something better came along,” Xander said bitterly.

Spike’s jaw tightened. “That’s crap and you know it. You came on to me. If anybody was used, it was me. What, did you just get a sudden urge to fuck a vamp, see what it was all about? I didn’t bloody well ask for this, any of it. I didn’t ask to get chipped, or shoved off to live in a basement, and I sure as hell never asked to get involved with you!” The minute the words left Spike’s mouth he wished he could take them back.

All the anger drained out of Xander and left him empty. “You’re right, you didn’t. Maybe you were right to leave the way you did. At least that way I wouldn’t know how you really felt about me.”

The abject misery in Xander’s voice made Spike’s stomach roil. He hated knowing Xander was in pain, hated even more that he was the cause of that pain.

“Xan, that’s not how I feel about you. I like you, you know that. People say a lot of things in anger that they don’t mean.”

Typical Spike apology and it brought a ghost of a smile to Xander’s face. “Ok, I get that. What I don’t get is why you had to leave. If you needed your own space, fine, I understand that. If you don’t...want me anymore I can understand that too, but why can’t we go back to being friends? It’d be awkward at first, sure, but I don’t want to lose your friendship, Spike. It’s too important to me.”

Spike tried to smile. “I can’t just be friends with you, Xan.”

Xander frowned. That almost sounded as if Spike cared about him.

“Spike, you’re really confusing me.”

“I heard Red that day and she’s right. You are a right good catch, too good to be wastin’ time on me.”

A glimmer of idea was forming in Xander’s mind. He started to speak, but Spike held up a hand to stop him.

“You’re gorgeous and you’re bloody fantastic in the sack, but you’re also decent and kind and you have the best heart of anyone I’ve ever known. Xander, I’ve done things that would make you sick to think about them. And you know what? I’m not a bit sorry about any of them. I’m a demon, pet. I love the violence and I love the hunt. I don’t have a soul. If this chip came out tomorrow, I’d be back out there doing exactly what I did before.”

Suddenly, it all made sense and Xander felt the pain in his chest ease.

“Spike, I know that. You didn’t stop feeding because you wanted to, you did it because you had to. So you don’t have a soul. Big deal. It doesn’t mean you don’t feel things.”

Spike tried to interrupt, but Xander kept talking.

“Spike, if you got the chip out, would you hurt Willow?”

Spike looked genuinely perplexed.

“Hurt Red? Course not, I always kinda liked her.”

“What about Tara?”

“Why would anyone want to hurt her? She’s too bloody quiet to actually annoy anyone.”

“What about me?”

“I’d stake myself before hurtin’ you, Xan, you know that.”

“Then why do you think you’re not good enough for me? If you were really all soulless and evil, you’d use me for your sex monkey and not even care about whether or not it was the right thing for me.”

“Xander, you’re missing the point.” Wasn’t he? Spike was beginning to think he’d been outmaneuvered.

Xander took a step forward and Spike took one back.

“You know, Spike, a guy couldn’t help but think that you were trying to be ‘good’, trying to think of what was best for someone else and not about what you wanted.”

Xander started advancing and to his chagrin, Spike found himself retreating. This conversation was definitely not going the way it was supposed to. Spike bumped against the wall and knew he was trapped.

“Xander, you’re supposed to be the good guy. You’re supposed to let me do the right thing.”

“If being the good guy means that I don’t get you, then to hell with that. In fact, I’m going to say screw the rules and I’m going to fight dirty.”

Xander stepped forward until there were only inches separating them. He looked into Spike’s eyes and took a deep breath.

“I love you, Spike.”

Spike sagged against the wall, glad that there was something there to keep him upright.

“Xander.”

Xander reached out and traced a sharp cheekbone with his thumb.

“I love you, Spike.”

Spike’s eyes closed as Xander placed soft kisses on his mouth and along his jaw.

“Love you, Spike.”

“Xander, you’re not playing fair.”

“Good.”

Xander molded his body to Spike’s and nipped little kisses along Spike’s throat.

“I love you, but if you really want to go, I’ll let you. You just have to tell me that you don’t want me. That you’re leaving because you want to and not because you think it’s what I need.”

Spike opened his mouth, prepared to lie his ass off if he had to, but he looked into those beautiful brown eyes and nothing came out. He frowned in consternation.

“This is ridiculous. I’m an evil demon, I should be able to lie to you and not think twice about it.”

Xander grinned triumphantly. “So, if you said you don’t want to be with me, that would be a lie?”

Spike realized what he’d said. “Crap.”

Xander laughed and Spike gave a rueful grin.

“I really suck at being evil.”

“Only with people you like. You’re still the Big Bad with everyone else.”

“Xander, I still think...” Spike began.

Xander cut him off with a kiss. “No thinking. I told you, if you want to leave you have to tell me that you don’t want me.”

Spike was defeated and he knew it. The only thing to do was give in gracefully. “Can’t do that, Xander. Can’t, _won’t_ , lie to you. Least not about the important stuff. I love you, Xan.”

“I didn’t think I’d ever hear you say that.”

“Well, it’s true. Love you. Still think you’re making a mistake, but I’m damn glad you‘re so stubborn.”

“Do you need to be convinced that wanting me is a good thing?”

Spike sucked in a breath at the seductive glint in Xander’s eye. “Could do with a bit of that, yeah.”

“Don’t move.”

Xander crossed the room and pulled out the sofa bed. He went back to Spike and hooked a finger in his belt loop. Spike laughed, recalling the first time he and Xander had slept together. Xander grinned and began to walk backwards toward the bed, pulling Spike with him. He stopped next to the bed and started to undress Spike. He peeled off Spike’s T-shirt, gently teasing Spike’s nipples before sliding down to the floor. He removed Spike’s boots and socks then relieved the vampire of his jeans. Spike’s cock stood out from its nest of dark curls, pale and thick, pointing towards his belly. Xander leaned forward and mouthed hot kisses along the length before sliding the head between his lips and sucking gently. He let his tongue play along the slit, enjoying the bitter-salty taste of Spike’s pre-come. Xander moved his head, taking in more and more of Spike’s erection. He reached between Spike’s legs to gently caress the heavy balls. He looked up to find Spike watching him.

Spike groaned, almost losing it at the sexy sight before him; chocolate eyes peering at him from under thick lashes, full lips stretched wide around his cock, dark head moving slowly as Xander sucked.

Xander rubbed his hands over Spike’s trembling thighs. He pulled back so he could stroke Spike’s slick cock with one hand, the other returning to play with Spike’s sac. He ran his finger over the head of Spike’s cock, feeling the shiver that ran through Spike at the touch. He took Spike’s erection in his mouth again, moving forward slowly until he could feel the tip nudging the back of his throat, feel wiry curls tickling his nose.

Spike moaned and fisted a hand in Xander’s dark hair. It was the first time Xander had ever deep-throated him and he knew he wasn’t going to be able to last long.

“Xander, love, please. Too much. Gonna come.”

Xander’s fingers were slick with Spike’s pre-come and his own saliva. He began to tease Spike’s entrance then he let two fingers gently breach Spike’s tight hole as he sucked hard around Spike’s cock.

Spike gave a strangled moan and his hips bucked involuntarily. He grabbed onto Xander’s shoulders and managed to stay upright. Then Xander’s searching fingers found his prostate and Spike didn’t even have time to try and stop his orgasm.

Xander swallowed greedily, taking every drop that Spike had to offer. When Spike was spent, Xander carefully let the now-soft shaft slip from his mouth as he gently removed his fingers from Spike’s ass. He stood, gathering Spike close and kissing him gently.

Spike let Xander’s tongue slide between his lips, tasting himself on Xander’s tongue. He felt Xander’s erection pressing into his thigh and he reached down to fondle the denim-encased flesh. He pulled back to smile at Xander.

“Your turn, love.”

“In a minute. Lie down on the bed, Spike.”

Spike looked at him curiously, but did as Xander asked. He settled himself comfortably against the back of the couch. Xander stood next to the couch and slowly pulled off his shirt, tossing it casually aside. Spike’s eyes dilated when he noticed that Xander was wearing the button-fly jeans he loved. He watched with increasing interest as Xander slowly undid each button. When the last button had been popped, Xander slid the jeans down his legs and kicked them aside. He stood quietly and let Spike look his fill.

Spike let his gaze wander every inch of his gorgeously naked lover. He’d always wanted to do this, to look at his leisure, but Xander had always been too shy.

“So beautiful, love,” Spike said quietly. “Come here, Xan. Want to feel you.”

Xander crawled up the bed and settled himself on Spike’s thighs. He leaned forward and they kissed softly.

“Lots of firsts tonight, Xander.”

Xander blushed. “Umm, you didn’t mind, right? My fingers...was it good?”

“Very good, love. Like it when you touch me.” He stroked Xander’s erection. “I want you, Xan, want to be in you. Is that ok, or did you want to do it?”

“You mean...no I don’t want that. I don’t mean ever, just not now. Can I have you inside me?”

“Course you can.”

Spike kissed Xander hungrily then rolled them over. He found the lube tucked away under the mattress and settled between Xander’s legs.

“Don’t tease, ok, Spike? I need you.”

As much as Spike wanted to play, he needed this too. Needed to be inside Xander. He quickly prepared Xander then moved into position. At the last second he stopped and pulled back.

“What’s wrong, Spike?”

“Nothin’ love.”

Spike turned them so that Xander was on his side with Spike behind him. He started to push his cock into Xander, moaning softly when Xander pressed back on him, allowing Spike to slide completely in.

“Perfect, Xan. We can do this all night in this position. Nice and comfortable and slow.”

They rocked together slowly, Spike’s hand pumping Xander’s cock. Xander moaned softly and closed his eyes. Spike was right, this was perfect; each push back sent Spike’s cock deep inside him and each thrust forward pushed his cock into Spike’s stroking fist.

“Missed you so much, Xander.”

“I missed you, too. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to feel this again, to have this. I love you.”

“Love you, too. I’m so sorry that I hurt you.”

Xander heard the anguish in Spike’s tone and turned his head enough for a kiss.

“It’s ok, Spike, I forgive you. We’re ok now.”

They made love for hours, never more than inches apart, always touching, whispering to each other, kissing and petting and loving. When they finally fell asleep, they did it tightly spooned together with Spike’s arm securely around Xander’s waist, fingers linked together and resting on Xander’s belly.

 _Six months later_

Spike was startled by a knock on the door. They weren’t expecting company that he was aware of.

“I’ll get it!” Xander called.

Spike smiled. Sometimes he still had trouble believing they were together, that they’d survived his stupidity. He knew exactly how lucky he was to have Xander and this life they’d made. They’d moved out of the basement and into a small comfortable apartment. The gang had helped them move and seemed genuinely happy for them. Not that it had been easy; Spike was well aware that he was on probation. Willow had embraced the pair with open arms, but Buffy was still somewhat aloof.

“Speak of the devil,” Spike murmured.

Xander had opened the door to admit the entire gang. Willow was practically bouncing with glee.

“Hey, guys, did I forget we had plans or something?” The Scoobies weren’t known for just dropping in.

“Nope, no plans, just spur of the moment,” Willow said.

“Spur of the moment what?” Spike came to stand with Xander.

“Well, it’s finally dark and there’s nothing around that needs slaying so we’re taking the night off,” Buffy answered.

Tara smiled shyly. “We thought a picnic on the beach would be fun.”

Xander felt a sappy grin spread across his face. He looked over at Spike and saw that he’d gotten the gesture too.

“That sounds great. Let me pack some towels and stuff.”

Xander was back in a flash and the group noisily made their way outside. As they walked, Spike looked up to see Buffy watching him. When she caught his eye, she gave him a small smile and nodded once. She turned away to talk to Riley and Spike felt a hand on his. He turned to Xander.

“What was that about?”

“I think that was Buffy’s way of saying she approves, love.”

Xander smiled happily and wrapped his arms around Spike. “Good, then I don’t have to worry about her making my lover into a dust bunny.”

“Ha ha, pet, very funny.”

“Love you, Spike.”

“Love you too, pet. Come on. If we don’t hurry, we’ll miss the marshmallows.”

Hand in hand, they hurried to catch up to the others.


End file.
